|| ANDREW || ~ The Brisbane Chapters ~

2012-01-24T09:56:00.000+08:00

2012-01-04T14:46:00.003+08:00

Closure..

In life, doors open and doors close. But how many you wish to leave open is up to you, and how many you wish to walk through is up to you as well.

2011 has been a year of change for me.

Major change.

I've learnt things that I could never have learnt myself in Singapore, and skills that outshine any teachable.

- Independence, and Reliance.

Neither is greater then the other, but through hardship, while learning to stand on my own two feet alone, I realized that nobody could be entirely self-dependent.

We may believe that we are wise enough, intelligent enough or strong enough to withstand the weight of this world. But without God, the world eventually will win through.

Well... it's 2012 now, and it's time for my previous year's resolution review!

Let's see...

2011 Resolutions
i. Ensure that my transition to Brisbane is flawless.

It was more then flawless. It was perfect. Even the rough edges became sparkling diamonds when you see God's hands at work.

ii. Be financially independent by June 2011, on proper, decent part-time jobs.

Haha... Thank God, I am having a very decent part-time job now, but I missed the financially independent part... lol... Living costs is just simply too high.

iii. Hit 70kg in ultra-lean, muscle mass.

Aww... no. I didn't manage to get that. I'm still stuck at 65kg. But I reckon my body has improved substantially!

iv. Read the entire bible once through (again).

ALMOST!!! I'm almost there.... err.. ok. Either way, I didn't fulfill this resolution. =(

v. Make at least 3 very good friends in Brisbane.

Yeap! Haha.. Simon, Charlie, Jason,.... I have hundreds of friends in Brisbane... lol

vi. Hit at least 90 percentile in my degree

Haha.. I'm 95th Percentile. =) Thank God!

vii. Perform 30 Pull-ups, Chin-ups, Wide-grip, Narrow-grip without rest by June 2011 and 40 by December.

Eeep... I can barely do that, but currently could if I set my mind on it. *cough* definitely. =D

viii. Explore 5 other major sites of interest outside Brisbane, in Australia.

Lets see.... Sydney, Melbourne, Tasmania, Byron Bay, Sunshine Coast, Gold Coast... Haha.. I definitely did quite a bit of travelling last year. And took a massive number of photos to boot. =)

ix. Learn 1 more new sport that I'll enjoy.
I'm learning Autralian Rules Football, Rugby and Cricket! But I think OzRules is still the most fun.

x. Cut down my fat percentage to below 10%

Nope. Didn't manage to do it. As of after the Christmas period, my BF% is 13.30. Terrible, terrible stat.

Responsibilities and Thoughts.

2011-10-12T08:47:00.003+08:00

Another fast paced few weeks passes by.

I think busy is an understatement with my life.

God is good. Especially when you give everything, He knows.

I've received 2x HD in my major assignments, almost guaranteeing me a Distinction at least in my final results for 2 modules.

I don't think I really deserved it, and I don't really know how I managed to pull it off. All I can say is that it coincided with the ultra hectic Unicell Evax Night.

I've been nominated to spearhead the Sponsorship and Marketing for Singapore Student Association, and I've also been asked to consider leading and coordinating Unicell.

Funny.

Despite my penchant for running away from leadership, it usually wriggles itself back somehow into my syllabus.

I've accepted to do the Sponsorship and Marketing for the SSA, but I've yet to give my green light for leading and coordinating Unicell.

The problems in my own life are of such a great magnitude it makes me wonder if I am actually fit to run Christ's ministry.

I miss home.

I was just reading Simon's comics on Unconditional Love again, and found myself tearing a bit.

I miss the days of familiarity, of true, good friends whom I can share everything and anything with without fear.
I miss Haryanto and Simon, but my closet nature witholds me from talking with them. Perhaps my apathy at whatever may be going on.

I miss my Mum and Dad, I wonder if they're doing ok, and if my Dad is exercising...

I miss my brothers, seeing them on WoW only makes them feel somewhat closer, but further at the same time..

I miss... well, I'm not going to say anymore.

All I can say is, "You're always amazing, you'll always be amazing. Just the way you are."

A breath of air. In between assessments.

2011-09-13T20:18:00.004+08:00

Life is so crazy...

I think one of the reasons why I'm not really blogging nowadays is because there comes a critical point in your "brain-blog-storage" when it overloads, and you weirdly lose interest in writing because there is simply such a massive amount of information that you probably would want to write and this is a very long sentence.

Well, it's time to update. Despite not updating for the past God-knows how many days, my blog is not dead, even if I've lost a bit of my passion for blogging.

One of my modules (or units) is called "Consumer Culture and Identity", where we do study a bit of 'Fashion' modules.

As painful as it sounds for me, after all, I doubt many people would consider me fashionable or even knowledgeable in Fashion, I realize that it is quite interesting after all.

Well. A few days ago, I was having a discussion with a good friend, and the topic of "what would I never do" came up.

Being quite militaristic in my own lifestyle, I obviously had a set of 'rules' that I would never do. But after thinking and discussing about it for awhile, a set of stark conclusions came to mind.

I think I'm narcissistic.

Haha. I've always jokingly said that if I had an exact twin I would fall in love him. But there is a weird sense of deja-vu when someone else says that to you.

Bah.

I'm alive and kicking. Anyway.

My gym routine is getting more and more harsh, and I'm pushing myself much, much further then I ever had in my entire life.

It is paying, bit by bit, but there's still quite a bit more before I'm satisfied.

.. or will I ever be.

shucks.

I'm rambling.

Oh. The reason why I can blog is actually because I've finished 3 major assignments and handed it up a few days ago.

So... it's breather time for me now.. at least for a few days.

lol. It's amazing that people actually still come to this blog.

From a few hundred views a day, to about twenty people visiting regularly still. Interesting.

*waves*

I'll blog more often!

2011-08-15T20:22:00.000+08:00

I think I've lost my passion for blogging. =(

Breaking the silence.

2011-04-26T20:06:00.003+08:00

People.

The single, most complicated factor my life revolves around.

People this, people that. Relations this, relations that.

Networking has brought my life closer to the brink of insanity then connecting it. But, it's pretty much a bottomless pit, which offers all sorts of strange rewards and punishments as well.

Ha.

Well... Homesickness is starting to prick me already.

Missing people back home, missing places, missing food, missing the smells, the sights.

But most of all, wondering what is going on back home.

- apart from the recent political turmoil.

Sigh.

Life has been good, so far. My results, still pending marking for the mid-semester. Hopefully, I can do well, by God's grace.

Autumn has come in full swing, and the weather is starting to bite.

Temperature can drop to as low as 14 degrees at night and sometimes, a blanket is not even enough to keep you warm.

- if you're not motivated to go switch on your heater, you might jolly well be in for a shivering night.

Currently, I'm in my practically lowest motivation for studying, as all my assignments have just be handed in. But the bigger projects are ahead, and as of May, I would have exactly 1 month to finish them.

It's tough. Mega-tough. But I would be darn if I fail any - or even leave it at a just-pass.

My diet is also getting topsy turvy.

I eat more Asian food here then I eat in Singapore, basically cos I cook my own food for most of the meals I eat a week.

My diet would generally consist of:

45% Lean protein

45% Low GI carbo

5% Fat

Ideally, I would try to veer towards more protein. But yeah, you can imagine how expensive meat is in Australia.

(That being said, vegetables vary too. The chili padi that I paid such a high price at Yuen's supermarket for cost me $7.50 per packet)

Well.... it's holiday week! Or rather, recess week!

So, I've been around, to the Sunshine Coast, instead of Gold Coast.

Awesome place, it just sucks that you need to drive to be able to experience all these sights.

I'm getting fat too. The past few weeks stripped alot of my exercise routine off...

Bah.

I've also offered my services, in the Brisbane Chinese Christian Church, as a pianist. Guess wad, for the Chinese service!

It's amazing how God opens up pathways to strange places.

I believe I have a purpose for going there, and of course, I would not, for anything in the world, give up my music ministry for another.

I hope...

I hope.

That this time round, I would be able to hold my head up high when I return back.

Pictures of my rooom =D

2011-03-17T17:33:00.001+08:00

For those whom it may concern. =)

2011-03-17T11:21:00.001+08:00

Riding the Wave

2011-03-12T20:37:00.004+08:00

Today I went out with the Campus Christian Movement people to Gold Coast again!

The last time I went to Gold Coast, I was just awestruck by the sheer beauty of the waves and the sea. The beach was whitish-gold, and I kid you not, sparkling. And the water was a rush of blue and white foam

The wide ocean can be so beautiful.

Then, I did not really step into the ocean.

But I went today with a really cautious outlook.

For some who may not know yet (but presumably you would know if you're reading my blog), Japan has been hit by one of the most powerful tsunamis in recorded history.

The flood images and videos are so terrifying... It bring chills up my spine just thinking about it.

And there I went, into the roaring waves and waves that are way, WAY higher then you.

The screams of laughter and joy was muted by parallel thoughts of fear and pain that the victims of the Japanese Tsunami suffered.

Because of that, I automatically mentally recorded the feeling of how a huge wave felt like.

I turned on my analytical mode and really felt and heard, and saw how how a big wave would feel.

Surfers paradise is such a famous place for huge surf-able waves because of the geographical structure of the beaches.

While you may see beautiful white beaches on the land, much of the beach is underwater. Like sand-dunes.

Physical geography students will be able to tell you that waves break when they hit the shore. Geography students who ace it will be able to tell you that they break when they hit a sudden increase in land mass.

Which is what the beaches in Gold Coast are like. Sand dunes, with mounds that causes waves to break at irregular intervals throughout the coast at unbelievable heights.

This is exactly how the waves look like

Anyway,

I must say, I'll never underestimate a wave again.

The biggest waves are not those that you can see the crest coming towards you, but rather those that you can feel before you see the crest.

Imagine.

You're standing on a shallow part (shallow in Singapore context), up to the upper thighs, in the water.

You see a surfer suddenly paddle lengthwise furiously. (which normally is an indication of a huge wave coming - but at that time, I didn't know).

Now the scary part happens. And it happens all in like 10 seconds.

You feel the sand shifting beneath your feet. The water is pulling your feet back unnaturally strong. It's like a sucking sensation pulling your heels back into the water.

You change position to get a better standing but,

Before you know it, a horizontal column of water suddenly looms up behind you.

You don't SEE the crest, but you hear it first.

It's a loud, LOUD roar, literally deafening as the entire horizontal column of water rears up, shadowing you.

You instinctively turn to face the beach (*in my case more to protect my spectacles from being smashed away).

I jumped. Hoping not to get caught under the wave.

Wrong move.

The wave slammed into my back. It wasn't painful, but it was terrifying. Like being caught in.. I don't know how to describe it.

I think the only way to put it is... powerless.

You CANNOT do anything to fight it, you can barely move your hands, you curl up into a ball and you get caught underneath shortly.

The wave roars, and your whole vision is white - the crest, and for a moment, you're high up on the crest, before you are swept outwards for a few meters then crashed towards the shore about 10 meters.

The whole process was about 20 seconds, but it was definitely an experience.

This is just merely an average surf-able wave. Can you imagine those legendary surfs?

Can you imagine a tsunami?

It's terrifying really, especially the roar of the waves and the powerlessness to do anything at all.

It's enough for anybody who has been under and above these waves to believe in the power of the tides.

That aside, I did have a really fun day at the beach with the CCM people and made a lot of friends.

Btw, I'm not sure if the other 3 friends I was with got the wave but by the time I got out of my "dazed" stage, they were happily catching other waves.

Of course, the dangers are there, but we played super-safe, or rather, after that wave, I kept a cautious, wary eye on the waves.

So, this is my experience log. My first experience of "riding the wave", in Australia's legendary Gold Coast.

The New World

2011-03-10T20:32:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time. Haha...

It's time to open up this chapter.

Firstly, apologies to all those who have been reading my blog for information on where I stay and contact information etc. My internet, accommodation and line has been giving me some problems, but everything is confirmed now!

Address:

6 Maidstone Street, Kelvin Grove QLD 4059

Mobile:

04 1165 9944 (For Australia Contacts)

+614 1165 9944 (For International Contacts)

I'm not working at the moment, because -

1) I'm swamped with school homework:

As evidence from the pathetic amount of time I'm spending on my pricey World of Warcraft account.

2) It's hard to get a convenient place to work

that

3) Allows me to be flexible with my work hours

and

4) Grants me, an international student tax-relief

My only free day is a Thursday, which I normally use for catching up my readings.... and Saturdays are swamped with activities.

I go to Brisbane Chinese Christian Church on Sundays, and've joined a cell ministry called Unicell which meets every Saturday evening.

My food is almost 90% own cooking, diet regulated and absolutely sparkling clean and healthy.

Enough updates? Are these the information you all are looking for?

hahaaha....

****************

Apart from that, my life is rather lonely.

Not that I dislike it a lot, but rather I've come to the realization that I've always taken people around me for granted.

Rather... the emotions that they generate in me.

I'm pretty disciplined in a weird way when I'm alone. I'll sweep my floor every morning, arrange my bed to a neat standard way, throw out the trash... before I even proceed to do anything else.

All these without nagging. - Simply amazing.

The fact remains that I've always been living in a pretty sterile environment that my parents brought me up in, that even alone, I just have to do meet that standard.

Well...

I'll be blogging regularly from now on.

But for now, pictures!

Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary

Koala Bear!!! Had that coming!

Me feeding a 'Roo in the sanctuary

Surfer's Paradise!

The scene alongside Surfer's Paradise

ok.. That'll be it!

Tada!

2011-01-30T17:57:00.000+08:00

"It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

~ Roosevelt

Crash and Burn

2011-01-18T17:41:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt like nothing you ever did was enough?
Like... Everything you did is for naught?

... Truth is... I've a disastrously low self-esteem... And in many ways, it has drastically altered the way I think, the stuff that I do and the people I come in contact with...

Today I saw a guy on the bus, probably 20 or 21 years old... Total stranger. He was en-route to NUS...
Obviously a student, due to the books he was carrying, and probably rich, from the accessories he wore.
He had a flawless complexion and his body was... Well... Awesome.

Duh... I couldn't help but gawk at him.

I kept side-glancing for almost 5 minutes... And... Well... I kept on thinking, "this guy has everything - brains, looks, money... And with that; a resultant factor would probably be tons of friends."

It felt really shitty, especially when I'm at a crossroad in my life.
I felt so damn shitty that I clenched my teeth and tear-ed.

After so long, what have I been able to do with my life?
I definitely don't think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth... Or for that matter, any spoon at all.
I screwed up 9 years of my education, only waking up at sec 4. Which proved too magnificently late.
The price to pay was astronomically pricey.

All my dreams had to be altered to another course.
I spent 6 months rethinking what to do with my life and finally decided - if I can't make my dreams come through, I'll make others do.
And so, my media ambitions started.

Truth be told, i'm tired... I just want to lead a life where I can be secure....

It's tiring.... It's nightmarish...

Sometimes, I wish I could restart my life and do everything right...
But it's... Too late now...

Sigh...

New Year Resolutions

2011-01-16T20:54:00.002+08:00

First post of the new year. 2011.

Marking the 24th year of my life.

With the exception of my fitness goals, I've manged to complete almost all my new year resolutions wholesale last year.

This year is going to be another tough year.

Tough years call for tough resolutions.

As such, these are my resolutions for the year 2011 -

i. Ensure that my transition to Brisbane is flawless.

ii. Be financially independent by June 2011, on proper, decent part-time jobs.

iii. Hit 70kg in ultra-lean, muscle mass.

iv. Read the entire bible once through (again).

v. Make at least 3 very good friends in Brisbane.

vi. Hit at least 90 percentile in my degree

vii. Perform 30 Pull-ups, Chin-ups, Wide-grip, Narrow-grip without rest by June 2011 and 40 by December.

viii. Explore 5 other major sites of interest outside Brisbane, in Australia.

ix. Learn 1 more new sport that I'll enjoy.

x. Cut down my fat percentage to below 10%

Yup.

Ten resolutions for the new year.

It's is finished. ... Finally.

2010-12-25T21:49:00.003+08:00

It's been 3 months since I last recorded my life...

So many things has changed since then, everything rushing to the closure of another chapter in my life.

I wonder, how many chapters would there be at the end of my book?

It's so hard to imagine the future now... it's pretty much a desolate landscape out there...

What do I truly want in life?

Today, Christmas day is the last day of my 15 month stint in Mediacorp.

Suffice to say, even for the last few weeks, I've woken up at night in cold sweat, thinking that there was something I have not done concerning work.

I want to be good... truly, really good at something...

Something which I can be proud of about myself...

But every corner I see, there is another mountain to climb, another river to cross...

... sigh...

May 11
I'm here to build my portfolio. To ensure my success for a future that seems so bleak.

Upcoming Projects

1) Lose To Win Season 2
2) The Winning Post
3) Badminton Opens
4) Commonwealth Games 2010
5) Youth Olympics, Singapore 2010
6) Aviv Swimming Meet
7) Formula One, Singapore
8) Asian Games, Guangzhou 2010

By the end of this year, I vow to have all 8 projects completed successfully on my portfolio...

This I've completed

1) Lose To Win Season 2
2) The Winning Post
3) Li-Ning Badminton Open 2010
4) Delhi Commonwealth Games 2010
5) The Inaugural Youth Olympics, Singapore 2010
6) Sports@SG - Asian Games Special
7) Formula One, Singapore Night Race 2010
8) Asian Games, Guangzhou 2010

It's quite good actually, and I amaze myself as to how I actually managed to do finish something like that.

It was seriously not easy... and I tried to give up countless times for a better life.

But, persevered I did....

I wonder will this portfolio be any good...

I made so many good friends in Mediacorp, so many people whom are genuinely good hearted and helpful... and of course, there are nasty people as well, but work is work and I always separate work from personal grudges as much as possible.

As of now, I have a full 2 years of experience working in the media.

Will it help?

Only the future will tell...

I try to think that what I'm doing is securing my life.. but really, I do know better...

I'm a monster trying to win another monster inside me..

Like an endless vicious cycle of perfection, nothing will ever prove to be enough for me...

Everything - perfect.

It'll probably destroy me one day... but I really feel that I won't be able to take it if I have to hand up a blank report to my Father one day.

A trillion billion human souls, what am I to offer?

... It's a cold, stormy Christmas evening....

... This year has proven to be far more stormy...

And, I've managed to pull through...

... haha.. can't believe it myself...

So happy I could cry...

It's over, Andrew... dispel your nightmares, rest your soul. Make peace with yourself.

You've done well.

I dedicate this year to Jesus, on His birthday... because He did answer my prayer after all.

2010.

This chapter closes,

and the next one opens.

AUSTRALIA.

2010-09-27T01:12:00.003+08:00

I'm crying again.

I can't belive it. It's fucking wussy.

But I hate the feeling when I've tried my best and it still fails.

I think this job is not for me.

I'm going to throw in the letter very soon...

and I swear I'm never turning back to this line again.

No matter how much I try, how much I do, it always fails.

IT ALWAYS FAILS.

Everything will go on well in the beginning, then it all crashes to the floor when the stress hits.

It may sound damm weak;

but I seriously cannot take stress.

I can give an excellent piece of work, distinction even, if you don't stress me.

But the moment I feel stressed out, you can assure that everything is going to fly out of the window.

THIS IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS.

And I've painstakingly, painfully, utterly agonizingly realized it over the past year.

I HATE stressful jobs.

I CANNOT TAKE stressful jobs.

Go ahead, mock me. Laugh...

I'm gone already.

I"ve lost all confidence in myself.

I've lost every last vestige and facet of confidence.

Everytime I do something correct, it only amounts up to a critical point in time when it will all fail again..

I"m sick and tired of this vicious cycle.

NO matter how much preperation I do, it fails.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK AND EFFORT I PUT IN IT FAILS!!!!!!!

why the fuck do I even bother?

do you know how sick and tired I am?

*cries*

Hard Lessons

2010-08-16T00:47:00.004+08:00

I felt like screaming, but nothing came out.

I can't post this on Facebook, so I'll do it here.

I know you think I'm useless.

I know you think that I'm a hardworking nutcase with no brains for anything.

Each time I see that exasperated look in your eyes I fall down another step.

Steps which I took so long to climb up.

I have no idea why you are so exasperated with me.

Is it because you've left your "mistakes" behind you, so far away that you forgot how much it hurts when people deride you for mistakes you don't even know you committed?

I'm sorry. If that is the case, I'll never be good enough for you.

Nor will anybody be.

Maybe except girls.

I've often wondered, when I first stepped into Mediacorp, why there are so many females and so, so little of their counterparts.

Over the months, I've come to understand why.

The reason is simple -

People think twice before kicking females around.

People think twice before shouting and scolding and throwing stuff at females.

People think twice before giving a female more work to do if there is a male around.

Maybe it's because I swing the other way thats why I realize that so blatantly in the organization.

I had to get this off my chest after swallowing so much SHIT today.

This is my FIRST time doing a live show.

I'm doing it WITHOUT an in-house AP by my side, unlike almost ALL the other Olympics, SEA Games, Asian Games and whatnot.

The "grandmaster" AP was around for 8 years in Mediacorp, until she quit last year. Subsequently followed by two very "shitty" APs.

... come to think of it, I wonder why.

I've been thinking, were they truly shitty? Or was it because they were simply thrown into a vast lake without a lifeline and just left to sink?

I've been scolded countless times from my boss when he/she asks me,

"Have you gotten this done yet?"

and I give *a blank look*

the reason why I give "the blank look" is because I simply didn't even know I was supposed to do it.

And their repl(ies) to that would be something like

1) Roll eyes and make you look like the biggest loser in the world

2) say, "Then why didn't you ask?" (IMHO, this is the stupidest question in the world because, you're asking me to ask something that I didn't know I'm even suppose to ask!)

3) Ask someone else to do the job, which ALSO makes you feel like shit because you CAN actually do it, but because NOBODY said anything, your job splatters on another unfortunate soul. (It makes you feel like you're accumulating bad karma.)

I'm the ONLY sports assistant producer in Mediacorp, and I learnt EVERYTHING from scratch.

I only see my "teacher" twice a week, and on special occasions, maybe more.

All I had to refer were scraps of notes handed down from previous generations of APs to me.

There was NO ONE to guide me.

NO ONE to teach me.

NO ONE to protect me.

NO ONE to tell me what to do next.

So each time I get scolded, slammed, derided, insulted, slandered, I swallowed it and took it as one of my learning lessons.

I bet for the past EIGHT years at least, no sports AP had to resort to learning in this fashion.

I felt like screaming, but nothing came out.

Because I know I have another four months to go.

I totally agree when one of the producers recalled what an assistant producer said before he left.

He turned around and screamed at the EP, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEDIACORP? IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU!"

Reflecting on that statement, Mediacorp is probably one of the worst places to work at in the world.

But it is my training ground.

That is why I stifled my scream.

I stifled till tears almost came out.

Yes.

Just walk away.

You may be better then me, for now, but I swear across my life that I'll surpass you by far one day.

And I will be a better person, compared to you.

I will learn.

I will learn everything I know.

Each emotional scar, each slam, each derogatory remark, each slander, I will remember, and I will learn from them.

They will remind me what I will not do in the future.

I will not become like you.

2010-06-20T23:13:00.002+08:00

I miss being free.

I miss being able to plan my own time to do my own stuff.

I miss being able to do my own things without worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

Being an assistant producer is probably one of the most dedicated jobs in the world.

Dedicated as in: You can't be an AP if you don't dedicate your entire life to it.

2010-05-29T03:03:00.000+08:00

I'VE LOST MY HANDPHONE.

IF ANYBODY FOUND IT, PLEASE CALL MY HOUSE @ 62241664

2010-05-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

Why the fuck do I try so hard when everything eventually goes wrong?

When everything goes wrong, the person who did the most work GETS THE BLAME.

Why?

For obvious reasons. Because he did the most work.

FUCK.

FML.

How can so many wrong things happen in one day?

Masks

2010-05-15T12:45:00.000+08:00

There is a mistake that everybody makes.

The presumption that they are always correct and everybody else is wrong.

It's hidden under a mask called "self-confidence".

....

Throughout my life I never had much. Slowly, in the recent years, I meet truly humble people and unparalleled boastful people. It's only now when I start to compare; where is my place in humanity?

The more I see the world, the more I feel smalled. Like a child that has always been swimming in a swimming pool, thrown to speculate the size of the ocean.

HOW MUCH AM I WILLING TO SACRIFICE TO ATTAIN MY GOALS?

In fact...

What is my goal?

I tell this to everybody who asks me this question:
First and foremost, to make sure that when I'm at the end of my life, I can look back, smile and tell myself that I have no regrets.

... that I can tell that I have impacted the world in some way...

... that I can touch my heart and say that I did everything conscionable...

... that I can close my eyes and know that when I open them again, I will be able to give a full and justifiable report; a report that would make my Father smile and say, 'well done'.

Yes.

It's vague. Seriously, it's so sweeping that it makes "goals" seem really out of context.

Some people say that I'm doing too much work.
Some people say that I'm doing too little work (compared to their time).

I feel that no work is too much for me if there is something inside it for me to learn.
(As quoted from my Shi Fu: Fu Ying)

An ex-good friend of mine told me this:
"You treat everybody as stepping stones, being close to them when you need them and discarding them like rubbish when you don't"."

It gave me pause to a scathing conversation that I was having with him.

It scared me.

Have I become such a monster?

Have I become so ruthless, have I become like the people that I hate in the first place?

Over the years, I've learnt never to trust anybody except myself. It's what gives me strength, knowing that as long as I don't delegate "trust" to anybody, I can never fail Me.

... Nobody really knows who is the real me.

Nobody knows because I don't want anybody to know.
For people who think they know me, they merely know what I want them to know about me.

Dig as they might, they will not find beyond what I want them to know about me.

I'm a person who has put on so many masks in my life that I've forgotten which is my real face anymore.

If you think you see Andrew as intelligent and hardworking - It's what I want you to think
If you think you see Andrew as slow and lazy - It's what I want you to think

If you think Andrew is pious and filial - It's what I want you to think
If you think Andrew is hedonistic and unfilial - It's what I want you to think

It's in this moments when I flash a mask over my face, so quickly that sometimes, I don't notice it myself.

... at this moment, when I look back at my self-defense mechanisms, I scare myself.
I scare myself because sometimes, when you put on mask, you cannot take it off without consequences.

Without consequences.

Even in the stifling office, with nobody around me, I'm still putting on a mask.

There are piles of tapes and papers around me, giving an illusion that I'm swamped.

I'll never really get out of this cycle.

If you really want to be close to me, you'll have to accept that you'll never really know the true me. You can tear off as many masks that I have, but there will always be one underneath to replace it.
... Because I've forgotten which one is my original face.

Hemorrhaging Thoughts

2010-05-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

It's been like almost forever since I last posted on my blog, even I am starting to wonder if it's still alive or not...
*attempts to resuscitate*

sigh... Life is pretty much no longer like a roller coaster. It's like a permanently upside down roller coaster.
They said that life would get easier in P5, but I'm inclined to disagree.

True, it's not as physically exhausting as Chinese Drama, but the mental torment is psychotic. My outlook calendar is frightening.
Not even in my army days has my outlook calendar look so psychotic, even during IKC2 periods...

Working hours are also significantly longer then Chinese Drama..

=/

I keep telling myself, I'm not here to earn money, I'm not here to play, I'm not here to enjoy myself.
I'm here to learn, to make friends, to get contacts.

I'm here to build my portfolio. To ensure my success for a future that seems so bleak.

Upcoming Projects

1) Lose To Win Season 2
2) The Winning Post
3) Badminton Opens
4) Commonwealth Games 2010
5) Youth Olympics, Singapore 2010
6) Aviv Swimming Meet
7) Formula One, Singapore
8) Asian Games, Guangzhou 2010

By the end of this year, I vow to have all 8 projects completed successfully on my portfolio...

sometimes... like a child running away from home, I keep turning around to look back... My past was really unique, something that few people can ever compare to. But despite all the trauma and mishaps, I still pulled through...

Maybe I became a monster, maybe I became better.. I don't know...

In the silence, sometimes all I want is to hear your voice...
It's lonely, when you sacrifice everything to pursue one thing.

I don't know how long you can hold on...

But if you believe, don't let go.

I can go berserk, I can go crazy, I can become terribly spiteful, I can become sarcastically painful. I can be nasty, I can be irritating, I can be downright malicious.

But if you let go, I'll really, really fall forever..

I love you.
You may not believe it.
I may not believe it.
I love you.

A List of Thanks

2010-03-15T22:57:00.003+08:00

Have you wondered why the most hellish places on earth are the most memorable?

I realized that it's because in these places, people are forced to stick together, reconcile differences and share their misery.. and it is when they realize that they're not alone in their state, friendships are formed.

I'm really going to miss working in Channel 8 Drama Department, simply because the people there are (read:) AWESOME. A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

Author's disclaimer: I'm referring to the people who work with me, NOT the LKKs upstairs who couldn't give two fucks on the suffering of their own subordinates downstairs.

I suck at Chinese. Seriously. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm an English speaking person. Jiak Kantang pai. But the people in Chinese Drama try to talk to me in English, knowing that I have difficulty communicating to them in Chinese during certain stressful moments.

I'm thankful that for the two shows I'm personally involved in, my directors are such fantastic people:

1) Wen Wen (Wu Fu Dao)

2) Yiyou (Wo Zai Ni Zuo You)

and my APs,

1) Yishan (Wu Fu Dao)

2) Jian Ting (Wo Zai Ni Zuo You)

it's funny, when you look back on everything. All these crazy stress and working hours made us all uber cranky as well.

We all do stupid things when we are tired + stressed + crazy + depressed.

To my Chinese Drama friends:

- Yishan (AP)

- Fiona (AP)

- Christina (AP)

- Joyce (AP)

- Jian Ting (AP)

- Ziqing (AP)

- Wilson

- Anna

- Jyashika

- Shi Yi

- Xin Ni

- Shuang Ying

- Shu Ying

- Wei Liang

- Carmen

- Xiao Peng You (AP)

- Janet (AP)

- Yan Ping (AP)

- Zann (AP)

- Shi Ni (AP)

- Hong Ren (AP)

- Nicole (AP)

- Liang Cai (AP)

- Josephine Da Jie (Wardrobe)

- Mong Kok Da Ge (Wardrobe)

- Jin Hua Da Jie (Wardrobe)

- Mei Zhen Da Jie (Wardrobe)

- Sasha (Wardrobe)

- Alvin (Makeup)

- Wai Gor (Makeup)

- Rina (Casting)

- Rinea (Casting)

- Liyun (PC)

- Lingli (PC)

- Wen Wen (Director)

- Lai Ling (Director)

- Yi You (Director)

and many many people who made my life so much more bearably easier in CD, THANK YOU!!

*huggs*

I know most of you will never see this post, but I just want to keep this post to remind me of every single one of you who thought me so many things.

12 more days! Good bye! xD

The Light at the end of the Tunnel

2010-03-01T18:38:00.003+08:00

People wonder how far life can take them.

I wonder how far I can push life.

... seriously. I don't think I've fallen so sick for a long time. Just when I've got a nice day off, I had to fall sick.

Doesn't happen in army, seem to happen all the time now.

Mediacorp Channel 8 is pretty much the most hellish of hellholes there is for "work" out there. I mean, clocking 100 hours a week on average? No OT? No planned offs?

Not many people can afford that kind of life.

However, those that can, realize that when they leave, they leave with a wealth of experience no amateur can hope to garner within a short span.

Haha.. for those of you who are already guessing by now.

YES
YES
YES!!

I am leaving Channel 8 for good!

My first new year resolution for the year is going to be fulfilled within... lets see.. 27 days!! OMG!!!

Haha.. I feel so exhilarated.

True, I was having the learning experience of a lifetime there, but my body stamina was beginning to take a toll and yes, my self-assumed indestructible body seems to be taking a strain.

I'm grinning to myself as I type this on my friend's laptop just outside Starbucks.

*cough*

I'm also offered to continue to fill in a position as Assistant Producer for Channel 5.

I don't consider it either a boon or bane, as it's a totally different world and culture over there. Hahaha.. how many of my colleagues would die to be pushed over there... *winks at Carmen*

I can see my gym routine, my anaerobic and aerobic cycles coming back, and being able to play in the band once again!

This is joyous. I can hear angels singing. =p

Thank God.

But now, I'm caught between whether I should presume that I'm selected for the local university and if yes, should I just do a fun job for the next 4 months, or should I continue trying to gain as much experience as possible.

I realized, only when one of my friends informed me, that I've never ever really had a long break in my life before..

Between Primary and Secondary school: No break.

Between Secondary and Poly: 6 months break, worked as a chef in Pastamania

Between Poly and NS: 9 months break, worked as an AV Producer in STOMP

Between NS and Uni: 10 months break, have been working for 6 months as Asst. Producer in Mediacorp...

should I take a break and relax for once?

I'm really at an impasse.

Sigh.

But knowing my character, I won't be able to stay still for long.

If I'm actually forced to take a break and not work, (assuming I still have a trickle of pocket money), I'd probably take to going to the gym 5 days a week and cooking for the other two.

My mind is really quite cluttered with happy thoughts.

I mean, the near future doesn't seem quite as dreary for the time being.

and... for all my friends whom I have knowingly neglected for the past months, we should have a good long celebration soon yeah!

haha...

I'm saving up money for my university. Managed to save quite a hefty sum already in my opinion. But I won't rest until I get at least 3500 in a solid lump sum.

sigh.... University IS expensive...

okok... Going home le! =)

Wisdom from a CG NPC

2010-02-12T02:26:00.001+08:00

"Lad, no one feels ready. No one feels he deserves it. And you know why? Because no one does. It's grace, pure and simple. We are inherently unworthy, simply because we're human, and all human beings--aye, and elves, and dwarves, and all the other races--are flawed. But the Light loves us anyway. It loves us for what we sometimes can rise to in rare moments. It loves us for what we can do to help others. And it loves us because we can help it share its message by striving daily to be worthy, even though we understand that we can't ever truly become so. So stand there today, as I did, feeling that you can't possibly deserve it or ever be worthy, and know that you're in the same place every single paladin has ever stood."

- Uther,The Lightbringer (World of Warcraft)

The Clock Ticks Whether You Like It or Not.

2010-02-03T09:09:00.000+08:00

生命并非因为死亡而结束，
生命是从每一分每一秒的流逝，
日复一日的拖延，
累积了千万个小小的漠视之后才结束的。
如何生如何死全操在你手中

Kudos to Google salute

2010-01-14T18:52:00.003+08:00

Google's bold threat to pull out of China has put a spotlight on something many in the tech sector have long groused about: China has been able to wedge its way into the hottest tech services by bending ground rules in its favor.
Google, Microsoft, Yahoo, Facebook, Twitterand other companies covet a foothold in China's massive consumer market of 1.3 billion tech-hungry citizens.
But China recognizes the growth potential of its home market, as well. It launched the state-controlled Baidu search service in 2000, which now controls 62% of the China search market, according to researcher ComScore. And the government keeps close tabs on popular social networks such as Qzone, a huge hit with teenagers, and Zhanzuo, popular with college students.
Meanwhile, China has hamstrung efforts by Google, Microsoft and Yahoo to introduce versions of their respective search services to Chinese consumers. Each has had to agree to censor content at the behest of the Chinese government. And from time to time, most Western companies operating in China have been hit with unexpected, unexplained service disruptions.
Last June, for instance, just as Microsoft was rolling out the latest iteration of its search engine — Bing — disruptions hit Bing, Google, Yahoo Search, Twitter and Facebook. This occurred in conjunction with government attempts to keep unapproved media coverage of the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre from reaching the wider citizenry.
Such hassles highlight "the additional risks to all businesses, particularly Internet businesses, who are investing in China," says Kevin Lee, CEO of search consultants Didit. "The Chinese government isn't beyond playing hardball for either business reasons or philosophical reasons."
Wenqi Gao, spokesman for the Chinese consulate in New York, told The New York Times that China is committed to protecting the rights of foreign companies operating in China.
On Tuesday, Google played hardball right back. Citing irritation over cyberattacks, the search giant said it will no longer adhere to censorship rules and may pull out of China.
It's extremely rare for a corporate entity to try to publicly shame China into lightening up on censorship.
"Google's dead in China," predicts Shaun Rein, managing director of China Market Research Group, a research and consulting firm in Shanghai. Even if the company were to stay on, no one in China "would have the confidence to do marketing campaigns" with them.
Google was starting to reap small dividends in China, after opening a beachhead office in Beijing in 2006. Gene Munster, tech industry analyst at Piper Jaffray, estimates Google's Beijing operations generate about $400 million a year — a fraction of its $22 billion in 2008 revenue.
Danny Sullivan, editor of the Search Engine Land blog, says Google may have gotten fed up with censorship, compounded by presumedly state-sponsored probes of its Gmail databases.
Google does obey censorship rules in other countries and may be trying to drive toward less-rigid policies in China, says Sullivan. For instance, Google might readily agree to censor child porn if China agreed to keep its censors away from search results having to do with political discourse, says Sullivan.
But Duncan Clark, chairman at BDA China, a Beijing-based consulting firm, says there are few scenarios he could envision "where Google will win" and China will back down.
"China is not going to make concessions in a public fashion like this," Duncan says.
David Bandurski, a researcher at the University of Hong Kong's China Media Project, agrees there is little chance China will alter its censorship policies and practices.
"The Chinese state regards censorship, or 'guidance of public opinion,' as essential to maintaining social and political stability," says Bandurski.

I forgot.

2010-01-13T17:08:00.005+08:00

I can't remember when was the last time I could say I was absolutely free.

Free from shackles that chain people to life.

As philosophical as it may sound, adult life is a billion times harder then the blind freedom of childhood.

I thought I would never ever say such a thing, but when it's right in your face, you cannot deny it...

Life is still as stress as ever, and with the fast paced world rushing around you, the last thing you need is to get your computer to breakdown.

I'm getting the grip of how this entire job functions.

Only the strongest actually survive to become directors. It's like an arena-like job. You go in and get killed. Psychologically, Physically and Spiritually.

You either cling to your dreams for dear life, or just die (leave).

I'm a loner.

I think most people who are more-or-less closer to me would have realised that by now. - It's almost a chore to try to make me turn up for unnecessary events and functions.

Selfishness aside, my motto is - if I'm not good enough for myself, I'm not good enough for anybody.

I believe that work life (spirituality aside) functions with a hierachy like this:

1) Foundation (50%):

Reality forms the base of foundation. If you cannot afford to live, you cannot afford to do anything.

2) Drive (25%):

How much interest and incentive you give yourself to do something pushes your life to form an opaque meaning. This goes for everything, work, play, socializing and even sleeping. Frankly speaking, if you don't have a drive to sleep, you get into all sort of problems AND solutions.

i.e. A person who has too much drive to sleep has low productivity. Whilst a person who has too little drive to sleep is prone to emotional and mental instability.

3) Dreams (25%):

Dreams are good, to a certain extent. They draw out a huge path of possibilities for your future. They support your drive and might even support feasibility in a good foundation. However, dream too much and you become a dreamer. Stop dreaming and you loose everything it means to be human.

Of course, there is ethical and social issues to consider as well.

damm. dunno why I'm thinking so much.

I've got 3 more episodes to read and I'm still goofing around blogging.

anything to escape work huh.

my drive is currently at 10%

my dream is currently at 0%

foundation is probably about 30%

upon hundred, about 40%. Still a failure job.

I should just give up and go on looking.

heh.

I guess not. Something inside me bugs me to continue on and see if I can withstand this sadistic torture for the sake of it.

New Year, New Hope!

2010-01-01T10:21:00.004+08:00

And so the relatively short few days of holidays I had is over, and work starts tmr.

Well... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY.

Depends on what you would define as happy, it's actually an oxymoronic statement.

Of course, what is a new year's blog entry without making my new year's resolution?

So, here goes!

1) GET OUT OF MEDIACORP AS FAST AS MY LEGS CAN TAKE ME!

I'm going to do one more project, then I'm done. 6 months of pure, solid, unrefined work. I would leave with a gladden heart.

2) Get a new job, (time start: 01/02/10) :

Options:

i. Relief teaching (PE, Art, Music, English)

ii. Trainee Chef (Pastry, Baking, Confectionery)

iii. Intern at an MNC Marcomm company

3) Ignore all calls of "passion" and get into the course that I'm supposed to be going to.

Options:

i. NTU: Communication Studies

ii. NTU: Mass Comm (probably an invalid choice. Mediacorp has deaden my love for media)

iii. NUS: New Media and Communication

IV. QUT: 1 year degree in Media and Communication

V. UniMel: 3 years degree in Media and Communication

I must get into at least ONE of these universities or I'm doomed.

4) Freaking get back to my standard gym routine. FIND A JOB THAT GIVES ME THAT TIME.

Yup. Simple. 4 resolutions. Clear, concise and precise. Something that doesn't require me to plan much, but EXTREMELY HEAVY on my future.

.... it may sound a bit morbid... but recently, my obsession over time management issues is pressing in quite painfully.

The more I think about it, the less time I have.

Practicality VS Passion

The time for pursuing "passion" is over. The lie that society kept teaching is that you should follow your passion.

Passion doesn't grant you food on your table, happiness to the people around you, or does it even ensure your own future happiness.

Practicality however is straight forward, and as long as you center your happiness around how you view your work, it should turn out alright.

You cannot eat your dreams, but reality puts food on the table.

This is going to be my mantra for this year.

There is no time left. I'm 23 years old this year. TOO OLD FOR GAMES.

My future MUST be planned out, carved and set in stone before this year is up.

But first.. Ladies and Gentlemen,

I would pleasantly like to announce the start of my countdown:

DAYS TILL I LEAVE MEDIACORP : 90 days / 2160 hrs

Hahaha.. I never even counted my ORD so concisely.

Reality

2009-12-10T23:18:00.004+08:00

"You can't eat a dream, but reality puts food on the table."
- Hiroshi Nakano, Gravitation

You know, one of the most crushing things in life is when you actually realize this.

Many people have dreams, aspirations, hopes and desires for their future. In fact, the educational syllabus, in their folly actually encourages such.

I feel like a little kid, standing on a cliff, shouting at the vast sea and shouting out my dreams and aspiration.

- An utterly useless act of self-edification.

There are few people on earth who have the solid passion, drive and desire to push all the way, despite the harshness of reality, and yet succeed in the end.

In fact, the percentage of those who strive for their dreams and those who actually end up successful is less then 1%...

As we grow older, we get less disillusioned and more practical. Food, housing, medical, family becomes a priority, and selfish dreams have no room for them.

I keep questioning myself:

IS THIS THE LIFE THAT I WANT?

... I keep drawing the conclusion: I do not have the calibre for it, even if I wanted to.

Dream - Being a director

Reality - Utterly bad memory

It's like asking a colored blind person to be a painter. Can he ever succeed?

I tried streamlining my work, I tried doing all sorts of tricks to remember... but I always screw up.

I don't understand why. It's like some abhorrent force is trying to cause me to stumble all the time.

This industry is one that is completely made out of stress.

Stressed people, stressed faces, stressed words, stressed actions. All become a chain cycle which causes people to become so miserable after awhile that they quit.

My incompetency is reaching a level in which I can't even tolerate my ownself anymore...

I'm even starting to have nightmares.

NIGHTMARES!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had series after series of nightmares.

Waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, thinking I'm late for work, or because I dreamed that I forgot to do something.

I don't really recall being that forgetful.

Is that forgetfulness?

I know I've always been extremely dedicated to my work, but meticulousness hasn't always been my forte.

Dedication without meticulousness is nothing.

Meticulousness without endurance is nothing.

Endurance without drive is nothing.

Drive without destination is nothing.

What do I want?

The first thing that screams in my head is

1) Get out of this place as soon as possible.

but

2) If you leave, will you ever regret the training it could have given you?

and

3) If you do not leave, could there be greater rewards awaiting you that you never thought of?

My mind is stressed with all these questions aside from those things that I have to do and remember daily.

I'm only a PA. If I ever become an AP, the workload will be increased TENFOLD.

Do I want that? Do I have the endurance to run this race?...

.... I'm going to have to sacrificing a lot of things.

Misery

2009-12-02T20:02:00.002+08:00

Work is crazy.

I think crazy is an understatement.

I'm not sure if I'm utterly inapt, useless, retarded or just plain, not trying hard enough.

I can't even handle basic things like getting my forms done correctly, remembering what my actors wore for particular scenes, or even helping my AP get some of the stuff she entrusted to me correctly...

Yeah. I'm useless. Like what she said, I probably can't be trusted anymore...

I really dunno if it is a language barrier, cos as often as possible, the instructions that they give me are in English.

Am I inapt?..... I think I probably am...

Even if I go to work an hour earlier then everybody and leave an hour later then everybody, I am bound to forget stuff.

Every night I sleep in fear and nightmares of what I've forgot to do.

... sometimes I just want to give up everything.

I'm learning. I'm still learning. But the things thrown at me, though it may be presumably little, somehow tends to amplify a hundred times in my mind.

.. a fear of how a sentence can change into Chinese suddenly and I'd be lost

i.e. Hey! Stop that person! He "qin pang" already!

I would run to go stop that person, but when the sentence finishes, I'm lost. Because I have no idea what the hell is "qin pang".

My eyes and legs are just so tired. I feel like crying.

How on earth do these people do this job? Unless I lack something in me that they have and I do not.

I've been pondering about it and I came to a few conclusions

1) Language

People who can speak the same language fluently tend to stick to each other, and communicate each other in the preferable language. This would cause them to unconsciously block out people who do not speak it so well.

2) Memory

I have an extremely bad memory, and I know that myself very well, thats why I try my best to write down everything I need to do in as much of a regimented, systematic way as possible so I would not miss anything. But in an unpredictable industry such as this, how can "system" even work?.... fail.

3) Social

I.. guess... I'm not really that sociable... even if I try my utmost lame effort to do something right. I smile as much as I can, so that other people would not see the frantic warfare that is raging inside me. Sometimes, I smile so much that it becomes fake.... Sometimes, all you need is to look carefully into a person's eyes, to know how much sadness he carries.

4) Stress

My transition from army to work has been nightmarish. SAF and Mediacorp's culture are at the total opposite ends of culture, where work is concerned. One is regimented, one is unpredictable. One is non-communicative, one is extremely communicative. One is full of guys, one is just full of gals..... moreover, I didn't really want to leave SAF due to my attachment with that place...

sigh..

My eyes hurts, my mind hurts, heart aches, my muscle aches and my soul is weary... I just want to stop and scream: "DON'T PROMOTE ME!! DON'T PATH ME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!" but I know that if I don't, I will never learn.

I must learn.

I am here to learn.

So with a heart of steel, I will endure everything and anything that can be thrown at me.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MEDIACORP WITHOUT TAKING THE UTMOST EXPERIENCE WITH ME!!!

I will make what a normal producer learns in one year, equivalent of ten years.

I will serve.

I will commit.

I will do my best.

I will try harder... one day, somebody will look and say, "good job!" and I know that I have something to add to my resume.

Madness.

2009-11-24T16:55:00.002+08:00

Life is in chaos.

... Literally.

I havn't blogged for so long, I'm beginning to amaze myself.

3 things have been preoccupying my life endlessly, virtually causing me to have a "blog"-kage of information to write.

1) Work. - omgwtfgg (I will explain later)

2) World of Warcraft - Hammerbull.

3) Alvin

Firstly, work. Before I actually immerse myself completely in my work and forget completely how my past life has been, let me rant about the extreme changes that work has wrought on my life.

108 hour work week: Record ever. Seriously, even working at SPH in my heyday never amount up to so much.

You know, it would be much worth my effort and my soul if I could get something out of this.

So let me record what skill I would be honing:

A) Micromanagement and Macromanagement:

I realized that I have always been an extremely "single-focused" person my entire life. Give me 1 task, and I will do it magnificently for you. Give me 100, and I would probably die on the spot vomiting blood.

My job requires me to be on the ball at ALL times, during my average of 15 hours work day. Contracts, location requisition, artiste management, crew management and tens of other stuff to keep track at all times. All this WHILE ensuring that the director can get his/her shot correctly, the scene is done with all continuity etc.

B) Creativity

Unlike what many people think, I never really prided myself in my creativity. As much as I do not like to admit, I'm a robot (think: Erasmus), that tries to copy what is esteemed as perfect creativity.

The skill I lack is - Flare. a.k.a Artistic Flare.

To rise up in my industry, you NEED to have this crazy, unstable thing called artistic flare. Entire scenes can change to a beautiful new creation with just a tilt, an out-of-box thinking to massive logistic nightmares.

C) Endurance

So far, endurance seem to be the ultimate key to success at the initial stage. To cope with the long hours, you must forfeit so many things you love and enjoy. However, that does not mean you lose the things you love, but rather you have to create stuff that you enjoy in your work.

... well.. Things I enjoy in my work would probably be mingling with the artistes and directors and understanding their point of view. Even if it is albeit conflicting.

No OT, no off days, no leave (yet: till January). Some people would rather quit on the spot then endure such a nonsensical exploit.

BUT I WILL ENDURE. =)

At least to prove to myself that I can do it.

Army seems like a piece of cake compared to this. Yet the amount of satisfaction you get when you finish a day of work is unparalleled.

World of Warcraft

Seriously. I think I'm getting addicted to this game. Which is really bad. I don't normally play games that last so long.

It really does have a fantastic game play, storyline and interface. All which combines to make exactly what my prediction in my research paper for MMORPG - The Future of Gaming come true.

- An extremely detailed and well created world

- An economy that is bustling with thousands of items trading every second

- An open communication between administrators and players

- An ever changing culture-scape

- An ever changing timeline

All these were my prerequisites in creating a perfect game.

Well. I didn't really had to look really far. World of Warcraft is there.

But then again. Despite my cautionary advise against getting hooked on that game, here I am playing my balls off.

NB.

Alvin

Relationship is getting kinda strained. Work is taking an immense toll, and his examination stress doesn't put him in the best of moods either.

I wish things could be better, but my mood has become a lot more volatile and unstable.

... in fact many people has noticed it too.

But I still spend as much free time as I can spare to go out with him.

... I really dunno... Is this working out?

My words tend to sharpen when talking to him.. to the point of cuttingly vicious just to end the conversation.

I'm just really so tired I don't want to talk sometimes. But I know I have to because he will get all moody and stuff.

There are times I just feel like I've wasted hours talking just to pacify him and stop talking.

Maybe I'm still not suitable for a relationship.

Almost every time we talk, it's an argument.

Almost every time we meet, it's a cold war.

Almost every time we argue, it ends up making everything shitty.

I don't recall myself being like this.

Seriously..

Pride, arrogance, complacency, sarcasm, violence... all these are traits that I hate, but why am I showing them to him?

... i've lost my sense of self even.

Sometimes I just want to go into isolation to seal myself out from everything.

But he would do something stupid. I know.

When was the last time I ever felt so unsure?... probably never.

My life is in turmoil.

I just feel so stupid.

.............. I don't even know why I'm doing this.

Army: The Closure of Another Chapter

2009-09-12T23:25:00.008+08:00

And thus, I end my life in the army, with really, really memorable times and experiences...
*tears*

So many things to say, so little space to write...
haha...

I dreamed of becoming an officer, of being respected and getting acknowledged for the effort I put in... but that never happened.
Instead, I was given the craziest, happiest, most stressful life ever...

Nothing, nothing I would ever trade for...

I was given a place to change, a place to call my own... Running CSTH was no mean feat, given the condition it was handed over... But bit by bit, every effort made the mark, and people's hearts changed...

I'm so, so going to miss the times I spent over there.. Even in the last few weeks, I could not bring myself to leave the office for my half-day leaves... (which I incidentally took so I could 1) use the gym, 2) finish the documents for my under study)

There will always be the people in my heart who will remain, the five generations of AVA:

1st Gen (The Legends)
- Ryan
- Suzuki
- Ben Lim
- Elden
- Yao Qing
- Hock Lai
- Andy Koh

2nd Gen
- Leighton
- Raymond
- Zhong Da
- Me!

3rd Gen
- Pritampal
- Andy Tan
- Javier (Exam IC)
- Eric (currently in EP)
- Bryner
- Kesavan

4th Gen
- Joshua
- Teck Sing
- Jia Tong
- Kavin
- Ben

5th Gen
- Peter
- Ian Russell
- Wan Tong

Haha... I doubt most of them would read my blog, but I still would like to thank each and everyone of them for giving me back my life in the army.

No. Unlike what most people who are released from the SAF think,
I do not think that I wasted my time in the army.

I made friends with the most craziest, unimaginably, boisterous, rowdy, street-smart, bunch of people ever.
They opened my eyes to what another side of life is like.

Friends?

Haha... I don't think so. They're pretty much almost like brudders to me already. =)

Finally, I shall summarize my entire army life into a complete time line:

15/09/07
Enlisted for BMT, Hawk Coy, Section 2, Platoon 4
Thank You!
- Eugene Chieng (My bed buddy)
- Ronald (Super funny and encouraging guy)
- Nicholas Lim (The optimist)
- Bernard (The hardworking giant)
- Kelvin (Sunshine boy!)
- Chris (Super talketive, little guy)

14/12/07
PoP-ed, Tekong Medical Centre created a huge uproar over my glycosuria. Was down pes-ed to pes D (temporary).
Command school was denied.

20/12/07
Was told to report at SAFAC training school. Didn't even know what was SAFAC. Little did I know, it was going to be one of the most eye-opening times of my life.

01/12/08
My life at SAFAC training school begins. Super memorable times, with much joy, laughter, teasing and friendship.
Thank You!
- Daryl Lee
- Daryl Yeo
- KC
- Wilfred
- Julian
- Xavier
- Favian

01/04/08

On job training at a highly classified base begins... My eyes are opened to really crazy stuff. It's really an unbelievable world out there. Met many people, some people who just didn't like me for who I was. Nonetheless, I did my best, learnt as much as I could.... for a short while.

28/04/08

MMI delivered a report saying that I was combat unfit. I couldn't believe my eyes when I was subsequently to be posted out to a signal unit. Everybody said Stagmont Camp = Slack-mont Camp. I couldn't imagine how much better life could be, being in a military institute.

01/05/08

I thought I died and went to heaven.

... haha.. seriously. Life was good enough to make me think that maybe there are some softer sides to the army after all.

I had independent will to chart, organize and manage my own rooms, my own computers, my own books. I truly put in my heart and soul to something I thought I could finally call my own achievement if I put in my best.

Stagmont camp was to hold some of the best memories of my army experience ever.

01/08/08

Reversal of roles. Suddenly, the old made way for the new, and more then three-quarters of my seniors ORDed. I was caught really unprepared. I had to take on the role of the IC for my institute as the first IC decided to give up his place for a smoother path.

Life became quite hellish for a few months.

But complain as I might, I never ever lost my gratitude to God for giving me such a great place to work in.

14/08/09

ORD.

I damm hell left a lot of precious memories behind in the Army. And no. I left army with a full experience that no where, work, study or play could ever give me.

The good times, where I could doze off in an air conditioned room, without the fear of work incomplete. Where I could laugh my balls off at the lame jokes that some dicks put on the army intranet...

.. where when I almost fell down with my full field pack because I was so tired, if not for my buddy who pulled me up..

.. where my bunk mates all ran to carry my legs just to "cheat" that one more pull up so that I could win another platoon mate in the number of pull ups ..

.. where we sat and crapped and complained about the horrid sealed rations that we were provided, especially Chicken Dumplings and Ponteh Rice.

The bad times, where I was slammed with so much work I had to stay overnight 2 days in a row just to man and operate the system when everybody was on holiday. Where the office was silent and empty, everybody gone to do their orders.

... where I felt that I could not go on, and prayed till I cried in my bashar tent...

... where some of my colleagues found out my darkest secret and decided to announce it to the whole world...

... where I saw OCS fall just out of my grasp, when it was one of my biggest dreams.

haha... I can't believe I'm crying writing this.

The Army, as much as I would not like to say it, played a bigger role in changing me then many other places.

I love my army life.

And thus begins my life at Mediacorp. This time, it won't be just 2 years I reckon. The trials through fire in Army will seem like a breeze compared to this if rumors serve me well.

I may not be able to blog so much because of work anymore. But hopefully, the memory of this blog will keep me coming back to record my new phase...

With this, I close another chapter in my life.

2009-09-07T10:55:00.002+08:00

Claire Kuo - 不藥而癒

I waited for you till the winter
Till the snow clouded my eyes
I tried to turn back, to look for our love
to look for how we first met

Instead, you put on your coat
While my heart froze further
If I gave up on this love first
Will my heartache ever heal?

Looking at the sadness that could never be healed
I believed in that your strength could take us through
I thought, we agreed it would be like a holiday
But why do I feel so lonely and cold inside?

Looking at the sadness heal so slowly
I am determined to comfort myself;
I would rather believe you changed your mind suddenly
And went to another beautiful town
Waiting for me to find you again

2009-09-04T22:02:00.003+08:00

Did you remember I said my field camp was tough?
Haha. This is pure evidence.

Picture taken on the day after Hawk Coy, Sept-Dec 07' Field Camp

2009-09-01T22:05:00.001+08:00

Fate decides who walks into your life;
Yet you are the one decide who stays,
who you allow to walk away and
who you refuse to let leave you.
- 3SG Wei Xing

2009-08-19T23:48:00.001+08:00

After midnight, took two young men from East coast to Bt Merah. They had apparently just finished their late supper, as they carried a thick smell of food into the car. They both looked to be in their early twenties. One was slightly older than the other.

The older boy was playing a PSP using his both hands while talked absently with the younger one, mostly about his games. He seemed to know a great deal about electronic games and, while kept playing the gadget in his hands, went through what he liked and disliked among a variety of games. Game design, graphics, level of difficulty, all flowed out of him so effortlessly like a stream running down a hill. I couldn’t help being amazed at how much time some kids spend on these things nowadays.

The younger boy, on the other hand, appeared to be less tech-savvy. Most of the time, he just listened. When he did speak, he spoke softly and carefully. Somewhere between the monologues of the game boy, he asked, “how come you know so much about these things?”

“Because I am interested in them,” the game boy said, with eyes still glued to the bright-screened machine.

“Are you interested in me?” the younger boy asked, gingerly.

“No,” the other answered immediately. “I am not interested in you.”

After a short moment of quietness, the game boy resumed his natural rate of flow of words. “You should try this game. It is really good. It takes the graphics to a whole new level…..”

The other boy continued to be an attentive listener and occasionally asked short questions in his usual soft voice.

As if nothing had happened.

At the destination, they said goodnight to each other and parted company.

For a moment, I felt a hint of sadness for the younger boy. I couldn’t place a reason, though.

http://taxidiary.blogspot.com/

Even an outsider understands.

My Home

2009-08-09T21:43:00.002+08:00

What makes me Singaporean:

1) I grew up in Singapore

2) I studied in a neighbourhood primary school and a neighbourhood secondary school

3) I have watched NDP in one way or another, every single year of my life

4) I get an electric thrill down my spine when I hear some national day songs

5) I have better grades in English then Chinese

6) I am a member of a Resident's Commitee

7) I speak English primarily, but listen to more Chinese songs

8) I loved to watch Holland Village (Channel 8 Drama Serial)

9) I served (almost finish!) in National Service to my best ability, albeit reluctantly.

10) I absolutely love eating

a. Durians
b. Char Kway Teow
c. Mee Goreng
d. Roti Prata
e. Hainenese Chicken Rice
f. Bread Talk Chilli Floss Buns
g. Chilli Crab and Black Pepper Crab

11) I have a mum who can speak 11 different regional dialects fluently

12) I attend a Church situated next to an old streetside Chinese Temple

13) I've taken MRT or SBS/SMRT buses all my life

14) I go to Sentosa's Siloso beach as my routine beach-love affair

15) I get most of my groceries from NTUC

haha... okok.. I think I've got plenty I can imagine.

Let see...

What am I not Singaporean about?

... I am proud to be a Singaporean

Seriously, there are not many people I know who actually would reply with a postive yes if I ask them if they are proud to be a Singaporean.

I am really proud to be a Singaporean. This country gave me education, health, a stable home, without fear of war, terrorism, disease or natural disasters.

how many countries can claim that?

I love my country... =)

I love the stablity she provides, the promise of security, both economically, psychologically, military and even spirtually.

The gentle promise that if you work hard, you will get the chance to see your dreams.

Do you love Singapore?

I do.

Who says that the word "proud" cannot be used to describe affiliaty with country?

It is not true that we did not choose to be Singaporeans.

For all the things that you do, are you not one?

I am a Singaporean, and despite the flaws and cracks that my country has, I still love her.

That is another facet of my love.

Eviscerating Despondency

2009-07-31T18:42:00.002+08:00

I decided to erase my previous entry...
haha... =)

I think it's not worth putting painful memories on my blog. Life should always be a happy experience. - Not always happy, per se; but rather, release the painful memories into an all encompassing ocean of self committed freedom.

Why be bounded by invisible chains that you create yourself?

*grins*

Poofy shit. My parents have been away since last friday, and are probably coming back tmr night. Darn. My last night being able to sleep on the uber large guest bed without them roaring me awake in the wee hours of the morning.

One of my ccolleagues ORD-ed today. His happiness was kinda infectious. =)
I couldn't even help but be happy even though so many frigging horrid things happen the day when I wasn't around.
Even the nasty DXO was laughing when he was reading about another of my colleague who just got sent to DB earlier that morning.
(author's bite: Not that he isn't nasty still. His smile, normally a terrible crocodile's leer was weirdly different)

Felt really light.

Like a super heavy burden was lifted off my back.
.. the wonders of a smile eh?

"Laugh, like you truly mean it. Let your eyes sparkle, your heart leap, your fingers dance, your feet spright and your mind let go... More then just being free, you dissolve gloominess around... everywhere."

Somebody commented that I had a great physique.
- Lol. Maybe that made my day.
I think I was grinning myself silly. It has taken me quite some time to get to where I am. And I don't even think I'm halfway there yet. - but.... almost, almost reaching the next rung.

Thanks!

I feel very light. Did I mention I feel very light?

The one month is up.
At least I say it is.

I BREAK THIS YEAR'S CURSE.

hahahahahaha.... xD
riddikulus! ~ RAWR!!

I've finished the TAG magazine, better then ever, faster then ever and the team is responding with insane efficiency!

I've been awarded a FOUR SEMESTER advanced standing in Queensland University of Technology, which means I only have to do one year of Bachelor Studies to get my Degree!

I'm almost finished with my Professional in HR Examination, despite it being so tough in the beginning!

I'm broke, but I've got a person who doesn't care if I don't take him to air cond places to eat! And likes my cooking!

I'm going to get one more new student to teach synthesizer to! Which means alot to me.

I'm handing over my entire work to my understudy!

I got a really neat watch from Xiao Wei mei mei which is far lighter then my previous watch! (incidentally, it is Timex'"Ironman" - *cough* which probably means I'm expected to live up to that watch's reputation... haha! I'll do it!)

I've got a new colleague whom I can talk to! - about EVERYTHING. =)

Lets see.... haha.. and this is just this month alone.

Well.. I'm leaving my past behind. And I will not return to it. - ever again.
But I'm going to create a blazing future.

One with nothing to regret.
One with nothing to look back, and wish it were different.

I'm there already.

I'm going to get there.

It's in the face of abject misery when one finds a flicker of light, a quest for hope that will never fail...
Goodbye, terrible, terrible year. =)

Impasse.

2009-06-22T22:06:00.003+08:00

I'm sitting in the office, on my swivel chair... at my desk...
It's messy, but I'm ok.

I think a guy's desk should be messy.. =P It shows that he isn't idling his life away...

It's really quiet here. Uber quiet. The trainees are asleep, all you hear is the low humming of the air conditioner. It's quiet tranquil actually.

Makes you think.

I've been thinking alot recently, which explains so many posts on my blog. People force me to think, even though I much prefer dreaming. Then again, nobody can dream for long without having to wake up to the nightmare which is reality.

Recently, I watched this show called, "Prayers for Bobby".
It's a show that really hits hard at what people actually believe, and it hits home to me.

It's about a boy called Bobby, who was brought up in a staunch christian family.
He goes to church, trusts in God in everything, believe with all his heart that what his preacher says is true.
He tried to live a normal life, tried to do everything as good and pleasing as God commanded in the bible. But he never really had the option to do everything as God commanded him to - he was gay.

He hated himself for being gay.
He forced himself to try to conform to what the church and his family sees as straight.
But in the end, he found himself sliding down a slippery slope.
He tried to turn to God and ask Him for help, "why would I choose the life which would tear apart the happiness of the people I love?".

God never answered that particular prayer.

Distraught and disillusioned, he tried to commit suicide. The first time he lost the courage to and his brother, thinking it would help him, told his problem to his mum who was a staunch christian. His mum, like most staunch christians, kept telling him it was a damnable sin, and that he would go to hell if he continued to be that way, because the bible said so.

In her ferver and belief that prayer could change her son, she kept on praying, day after day, and sought help after help.

Each "help" chipped away at her son's self-esteem, and soon Bobby begun questioning if his mum really loved him or was she doing it for her own sake.

Bobby's cousin who was more open minded had this in respond to, "Love the sinner, not the sin." - it was, "Love the person, whatever the sin."

Bobby tried to the end to trust in God again, but word after word roared out condemnation. He lost faith, he felt that he lost his family, and when the person he loved seemingly cheated on him, he felt he lost his heart.

The second time he attempted to commit suicide didn't fail.
...

I really cried very hard when I watched that show.
It's not that my family doesn't care. They care alot. But deep down, I know, they'll never ever accept me for who I am...
... God doesn't answer my questions to this topic, and he is always serenely calm whenever this topic is brought up.
... unlike almost every other request and questions I get.

Why?

My dad always compared me to his childhood condition which ravaged his legs.
He said, "I kept asking God why He did this to me. Why He gave me this condition, but in the end, it was the condition that led me to who I am today, and why I never gave up despite tough circumstances."

... I never ever told him that it was not a valid point, albeit slightly relevent.

If his illness was one which the bible said, "As one has polio (the illness), one must be cleansed or he will have a place reserved in hell."

then that would be appropriate. But no! That is not the case!

Homosexuality cannot be compared to an illness, at least for a Christian debate, because there is no illness in the bible that leads a person to hell!

...

I really am at an impasse here...

No one can answer my questions properly, and no one feels like they have the authority to.

If the bible is the only source I can turn to, then I'm condemned.
If the Holy Spirit should guide me, then He's silent.

...

I think Christians who seriously are against homosexuals totally, should take a look at the film "Prayers for Bobby". Then reconsider this - "Whenever you say a prayer, a child is listening."

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T17:40:00.002+08:00

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes.
He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks . . . Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes . . . and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him.)

Fathers grow older faster than people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.
And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam . . .outside . . . and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers: There's little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the kid he's loved and the children they have. He'll be busy there too . . . repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

2009-06-19T18:21:00.000+08:00

Scribbled by ANDREW at 9/14/2007 03:19:00 PM

Its funny, when everything falls to pieces around you, you know love is there.
Seeking, finding, waiting and holding.
Thru all odds, waiting for the day of return.

I'll return, stronger then ever.
More capable of taking care of you then ever.

Wait for me, my love, my heart.
For even when the sun and the moon perish.
Our love will illuminate life itself...

I failed.. I really failed...
*cries*

Nervous Breakdown..

2009-06-17T09:43:00.004+08:00

Am I imagining hurt?... I wonder...

My temper in the recent days is getting from bad to worse... I snap at everybody, I snap at everything... I even snap at my own self...

I have always tried to profile my character into list-able points, so that I can work at it, and stop myself when things get to messy.. My family especially knows my weakness very well, and have even seen terrible things that i did...

... maybe what he said yesterday was correct. Maybe what he said yesterday was so correct that he struck a multitude of raw nerves within me that hurt so badly.

Like the saying goes, "Fact is stranger then fiction, and more often then not, the truth hurts far more."

Yeah, I guess you're right. As I reflect more, even though I do not understand your reasons for bringing it up and forcing me to reflect, - you're right.

I do not have many close friends, and all the people that were close to me always felt that I am distant. I'm too distant to understand, to comprehend.
It's like a mental cage I put around myself.

Even to this day, I still struggle to look at people in the eye. Because as a kid, I was told that I had eyes which could murder people.
My bros would ask me to avert my eyes from my dad last time when he was punishing us because he would end up giving all three of us additional punishment when he locks eyes with me...

I never had much close friends, because I always felt that I should never reveal my weaknesses. What was the point? For them to comfort me? For them to burden themselves with a liability that they cannot shake themselves free off?

I always strive never to be a liability to people. I would rather disappear then allow myself to be a burden to somebody or a group. I hate the feeling of helplessness... When I need people, it becomes a burden to me.

I've told many people that one of my strongest beliefs in life is that when someone does good for you, you must return it back tenfold.
But there are some things that are totally unmeasurable in quantity...

How do you measure love?

How do you measure the times when he hugs you, ruffles your hair and give you an Eskimo kiss?

How do you measure a thousand stars folded with every bit of love he had, even though he is so busy?

How do you... measure the amount of tears he cried when you walked away?...

Some things are immeasurable, that's why when people say that, "gosh... why did you buy something so expensive?"...
is money something that make affection, emotion, sentiments, loyalty and love quantifiable?

I don't have many friends.

Because to me close friends are a burden. Not because they did anything wrong, but simply because they are beautiful chains.
They support you when you fall, they're there to hold you back when you're about to do something silly, they hold on to you because as you are chained to them, they are chained to you.

I don't have many friends.

... you're right.

That's what hurts so bad...

A Can of Worms.

2009-06-16T22:32:00.002+08:00

I wonder. How far would a person push to get his way?
To justify his hate?
To nullify his emotions?

Alvin. You really, really, really pissed me off today. And the fact that I am writing it on my blog means I was REALLY pissed.

All your statements, ALL your comments, ALL your opinions were absolutely unnecessary, yet you kept stomping on grounds that were not even yours.
Something inside me broke.

Once, twice was ok. I understood. But after so many times, it does not make logical sense.

You want me to be your enemy?

What do you gain out of making those scathing comments about me?

You say you don't hate me, but I only see otherwise.

What is wrong with you?

Seriously?

Your emotions are all that matter is it?
So that you can justify, and fill your heart with hate isn't it?
So that you can edify yourself and convince yourself that "yes, he is as nasty as I thought he is."

You're happy now?

I havn't spoken so spitefully for so long.

You think you know everybody around you. You justify your knowledge of our mutual friends to thumb me down.
Is "our mutual friends" all the friends that I have.

sorry. I have far more friends then that.

A conversation that started out with well meaning ON MY SIDE, was mutilated, twisted and warped into a horrendous spit fighting the likes I havn't seen for years.

I told you halfway through the conversation that each word is a stab wound which you CANNOT heal once you say it.
It leaves a scar, in the place where your position as "friend" was.

whatever it is, you won the battle.

I really don't care about you, and I don't know you anymore.

I don't want to know you anymore.

It is people like you which fill the world with spite and hate.

People like you who only think of yourself before typing out the words to stab another.

I can't get the conversation out of my head.
I tried.

You really fucked me up big time.

Updates and Handphones

2009-06-04T10:54:00.002+08:00

jeez. It's been a real damn long time since I last blogged.
I've got so many things on my mind, I've hardly had time to organize my thoughts.

Well... I realized that many of my colleagues read my blog, so I better be careful whatever I post. haha.. right Pree and Andy?

Anywayz, what triggered me to write this post is my annoyance over mobile phones.

WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY GETTING SO SLOW?

I think I sms less then a hundred sms-es a month, almost totally due to the fact that nowadays, handphone messaging is such a tedious task.
All along, just merely messaging a full text message with maximum characters involved would take me at the most 20 seconds.
NOW, for me to that, I think it would take me about 12o seconds.

Disgusting!

Arrgh... Isn't mobile phone technology suppose to improve with time, instead of decreasing efficiency and causing such terrible problems?

You have MP3 players, WiFi, Gaming and Video phones, Camera phones and even waterproof phones.
Yes, you have all this functions. But for what shit when the most basic necessities that make a handphone a HANDPHONE is compromised?

Reception has not improved over the years, short messaging systems are getting more tedious to send.
We might as well use a laptop?

Nah beh.
Really very irritating.

Want to send a proper sms also so difficult.

Grrr...

Well.... on a 2nd note, update on my life!

Pretty much enjoying singlehood now. No restraints, no commitments... I realized that I've lots more time and lots more money for everything!
... not that my stress level has decreased...

I'm going to ORD in another 3 more months, yet I don't have an upper study, and my boss is going berzerk. - again.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just kick back my shoes.. erm. I mean GoreTex Boots, absorb the ORD-ing atmostphere along with all those who are going to ORD along with me and just laze around.

Haha... I'll just throw all my jobs to another person.

Only thing is that person would probably hate me for that.

3rd Note:

My birthday was awesome.
no. My birthDAYS were awesome.
I'm seriously wondering why on earth my 22nd birthday was celebrated more then my 21st birthdays..

haha.... It's frigging great anywayz..
Thank you EVERYBODY for EVERYTHING!!

=)

4th Note:

There is something that is really bugging me about this whole AWARE saga.

I'll blog about it another day..

*grins*
Life is great.

2009-05-17T21:04:00.003+08:00

haha.....
I just teared a bit when I saw this poster...

A Broken Piece.

2009-05-17T16:53:00.003+08:00

There are some things in life where you get one chance at it.. and if you don't grab it, it's gone forever...
I think, I've encountered so many of that in my life, I wonder, if I grabbed it, what would my life be like now?

I really made a hell lot of mistakes in life, mistakes that I'm paying for dearly now.

I wish I never did certain things I did, but I can't really be sure I would be better off elsewise....

That nagging feeling in you that your potential is utterly wasted?
The sad feeling inside you that nobody will ever really understand...
Even if you have a flaming passion for it, nobody will really understand...

I'm not contented to be "men" (in army terms, anything that isn't a specialist or an officer)... but because of fear of losing something that was temporary dear to me, I gave up that only chance...

Till now, I really believe I could have been an officer.

People always ask.. "What's the big deal about being an officer?", "It's only just one bar on the shoulder!"
No.
Its the experience that I will never be able to face...
It's the untapped zeal that I'll never be able to prove...
It's the fact that I really hate losing.

I hate losing.

I hate losing to the point of insanity.

I lost this battle called National Service. All because I did something without thinking.

BECAUSE I FOLLOWED MY HEART INSTEAD OF MY HEAD.

Illogical reasoning.

Spastic incoherent emotions.

I should strip myself of all these irrelevant feelings...

I really hate myself for being such a weak person...

i really, really, really, really wanna be an officer...

but that chance has flown away, like so many other chances that were given to me.

....

sometimes.... just sometimes... I'll dream that I went through hell, fire, wind and waves to get the epaulet, when people do understand.
when they see, they'll know...

then I'll wake up... and I'll just hate myself for missing that chance I'll never get again..

... *cries*

Birthday Conclusions!

2009-05-11T15:33:00.003+08:00

Gosh... I can't believe I'm 22 already. Jeez.. freaking old.
That means my time left to do alot of things that I want is running out - no thanks to NS wasting my time away.

Haha.. anyway, would like to thank everybody who remembered my birthday and especially those who even bought presents!
xD

I loove presents... =)

This is what I got for my birthday -
1) A HUGE sum of money from my mum and my dad... ok.. not really huge, but its the thought that counts really!

2) An extremely high fidelity Shure In-Ear Headphones that uber rocks. Now I can listen to music on the train without having to strain my ears or blast my iPod to the max.
~ Thanks to the 88 Queendom!

3) A really nice silver-grey Zinc Backpack. Haha.. have been waiting for an opportunity to get one for months, since my last backpack was spoilt.
~ Thanks RJ, XW Mei Mei, Clara and (I'm not really sure who else got it for me... haha.. but thanks!)

4) A pair of ORANGE AND BLACK Nike Training Gloves, top of the range and definitely one of the coolest looking training gloves I've ever seen!
~ Thanks to Brenton!

5) A Canvas belt by FreshBox! Finally! After three years of using the same belt!
~ Thanks to Alvin Leong!

6) A pair of lime green earphones! Totally awesome, the type I'd bring to the beach while I suntan.. x)
~ Thanks to Michelle, Candice and Jennifer!

7) An oreo cheesecake birthday cake and a cool looking personalized shirt with ASH!
~ Thanks to Simon and Haryanto! ASH Rulez!

8) A collector's edition Magic the Gathering, From the Vault Dragons set
~ Thanks to Alvin Yong!

9) The exact Blue GNC Bottle that I was wanting to grab! Ok, I thought there would be the shaker ball inside, but it still looks fantastic!
~ Thanks to Victor! (OKAY! YOUR DEBT DESTROYING MY PREVIOUS BOTTLE WITH A SOCCER BALL IS REPAID! xD)

10) A pair of Calvin Klein Jeans, a Giorgio Armani Belt and a whole lot of other stuffs!
~ Thanks to Nicholas! (haha.... don't tell anyone how you got it xD)

11) A piggy-pillow-speaker that can blast music without having to plug into a power extension.
~ Thanks to Lester!

12) A shirt (I havn't actually gotten it yet! haha)
~ Thanks to Cedric!

And of course, many people who celebrated my birthday for me!! All the surprise parties and the amount of people was really quite shocking..

Lol

=)

Love you guys...

As you grow older, you learn a hell lot of lessons along the way... Some people grow up faster then others, some still cling fast to their childish ways.
But we all must grow up one day.
And when we do, we'll look back at the time, when we laughed and we play.
With a sad smile.

Where has the little kid gone?
Where has all the noncommitted laughter
the safety of being a child...

You wake up now,
No longer with "what am I going to do today"
But with a long list of schedules, appointments
work, and work commitments

Sigh.. I'm all grown up now.
But deep inside, a caged child weeps.
And carefully, but surely, if you looked deep into my eyes
You'd see a glimmer of a once carefree existence
Waving back to you.

=/
emo.
=/
emoing.
=/
ok. emoed.

I've been on my cutting phase for about 2 months now, and my weight has dropped from 68kg down to 62 kg.
Massive muscle loss, water weight loss and fat loss. But still not enough yet.
Damm it.
Currently stuck at 14.8% Body Fat percentage.
I need to hit at least a 13% before I can gradually go on another month of bulking.

My standard routine per week now would be
Monday - Biceps, Core, Deltoids + 30 mins Intense/Moderate Cardio

Tuesday - Chest, Legs, Lats, Traps

Wednesday - Shoulders, Traps, Lats, Triceps, Core + 30 mins Intense/Moderate Cardio

Thursday - Rest

Friday - Chest, Core, Deltoids + 45 mins Moderate Cardio

Saturday - Rest or 1 hour swim/Moderate Cardio based sport

Sunday - Rest or 1 hour swim

Yup, this is my standard cutting routine, albeit gravitating a bit more towards the cardio side...
sigh...

Also involved in a frigging lot of stuff currently
- SMC Band, Main
- SMC Band, Youth
- TAG Publications
- Trevvy Youth Facilitator
- Freelancing Posters for Companies

Haha... but this is still very little compared to what I was loaded with about 6 months ago..

=X

2009-05-05T23:20:00.002+08:00

i miss you so much...

... it's just so lonely without you here anymore...

*cries*

you belong here, in my heart...
not alone, out in the wind....

it hurts... terribly..

I am dying inside.......

Birthday Wishes!

2009-04-30T07:54:00.003+08:00

Nowadays, I have no idea what to write, or even post about... sigh..

Anyway, its my 22nd birthday soon!

.............
...

=/ I'm getting really, really very old...

Umm... Well... People have been bugging me and asking what I would want as a birthday present...
You know, normally I wouldn't really say anything... Cause I believe that if I say what I want it'll be less meaningful..
But come to think of it, I understand the pain of raking up the mind for something to buy for the other person's birthday... haha...

okok. so... umm... to make this not as obnoxious as possible, this are some of my birthday wishes!

1) A new bagpack, preferably a more sporty design! One that I can use for cycling, running or bringing to the gym.
- Incidentally, I still find it really weird to carry a sling bag.... despite carrying my adidas sling bag for so long...

2) A canvas/casual wear belt! I think I've been wearing my white canvas belt for too long.. almost 5 years to be exact...

3) A new pair of durable training gloves! Not that I don't like my old one, I need to cycle between those I put in the wash and those I wear right?... lol

4) A good shaker bottle, easy to wash and decent capacity! haha.. *hint hint* *I like the blue one at GNC!*

5) A good pair of in-ear, earphones... Unfortunately, I expect it to spoilt very fast... It's like the tradition for all my earphones to go *pffft* after a few months.. sigh..

6) A synth.....*cough* .. esi *sneeze* ... zer.... lol.. No lah, I'm just kidding.. it's way beyond the budget anybody would get for a birthday present... But it has been on my wishlist for like forever.

7) A portable hard disk... hahahah... I still havn't gotten one after so long.

lol.. basically I'd really REALLY appreciate everything... coz its from the heart!

*BIG BIG SMILE* hahaha

2009-04-28T13:40:00.000+08:00

2009-04-26T00:30:00.001+08:00

我好笨
我真的好笨...

Emo_Baby!

2009-04-19T23:31:00.004+08:00

haha... this photo is classic.
Dug up from one of my ancient photo collections...

.. no recollection of anything though...

Gym Freaks.

2009-04-17T09:11:00.002+08:00

I'm probably in a severe blogging downtime.
I really can't believe my interval between my proper blog postings are so far apart, considering that I would actually post virtually everyday in the past.

Life is... well.. frankly speaking, better nowadays.

Stress is somewhat the thing of the past, my boss wants me to clear my off ASAP, lest I accumulate and disappear for an entire month.
But I really hate it when he dictates the day which I must clear my off. (i.e. Thursday Friday or Monday Tuesday).
I know he has good intentions when he wants me to have an ultra long weekend, but I hate taking Fridays or Mondays off.

There are so many things that would happen if i do so..
- Monday/Friday is the day most people take MC or off. Its when my department has the least manpower.
- Monday is the start of the administrative week, which means lots of stuff needs to be done before the training begins.
- Friday is the end of the training week, which means lots of instructors will be cramping their lessons towards the end of the week.

and most importantly

Monday and Friday are my regimented gym/running routine days!

sigh..

.....

People always tell me they can't understand why I like gymming so much.
to them, its boring, repetitive and a waste of time.
I think I understand.. coz I started out with a blank canvas as well.

This is the reason why I love the gym:
1) I love the smell. Don't ask me why. All gyms have a metallic, sports-fresh type of smell that I can't get enough of.
2) I love the feeling when I switch from one lighter weight to another which I have never been able to do.
3) I love the jaw clenching, heart-thumping adrenal effect when I strain to lift my maximum effort.
4) I love the feeling after that.
5) I love the ability to feel good, that I have came such a long way from nothing to at least a reasonable something.

The same people also say - gymming is not a sport wad. Why don't you engage yourself in some sports?
(apart from the fact that I DO play soccer, basketball and swim competitively.)
My main sport that I love is NOT soccer or basketball *grins*, nor is it gymming.
its... *hold my breath*

... bodybuilding.

Then they go *gasp* "omg!" "freak!!!*... and.. "that's not even a sport!"
.... what really defines a sport?

"Sport is commonly defined as an organized, competitive and skillful physical activity requiring commitment and fair play. " - Wikipedia

Organized - Yes, it has a group of people with a common view and goal in mind. They are all reaching for the same objective.

Physically skillful - You say?

Competitive- Hell yeah! Its probably one of the most extremely competitive sport in the entire world! Unlike soccer or basketball where you versus the opponent's team, when you're in bodybuilding, you probably versus the entire world!

Commitment - Err. I think I emphasized that already. - Alot.

Fair Play - No steroids, no injections, no cheating, maintaining a clean and healthy diet. There are probably a ton of rules. - and you get kicked out if you break any. Fair?

sigh.

Dunno lah, I'm just sick of people calling my freak whenever I say that I wanna be a bodybuilder.
They think of injections, steroids, hormone replacement therapy, vascular enhancements and stuff.
- all which are actually banned from competitive bodybuilding actually.

in fact. I think I'm going to get a backlash when I post this also.

jeez. this is stupid.

.. I'm going to the gym. and imagine you being crushed under the 200 pound plates.

Thought Provoking Video by MCYS

2009-04-07T23:24:00.002+08:00

I think this is one of the few video campaigns that have made me tear... I really think this is true, I've always shared exactly the same sentiments...

It is never about finding the perfect person. Because you can never find it.

It is finding the beautifully imperfect person, and making him or her

perfect.

2009-04-01T17:06:00.004+08:00

gosh. this is freaky. I think I just had my entire character categorized and labeled completely.
and it is damn accurate. I think probably one of the most accurate tests I've ever done.

hmm... its 100 percent accurate, with no deviations from the description.
but apparantly, my career path doesn't seem to veer me towards that... Unless I become a personal trainer or something...

oh well..

http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ_rel.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ_car.html

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Sensing
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Intuition

Andrew is BROKE!

2009-03-30T10:28:00.005+08:00

another long period passes before I blog...
life is cooling down, and I'm finding it easier to cope..

Thanks everybody for standing by me even through these times...

Last week was a random party event that Gandy hosted.. heh.. was really great, people from previous generations of AVA and the current generation got to meet each other...

but... they still made me drunk.

zZz...

I seriously do not understand why my alcohol threshold is so low... I'm probably the person with the lowest alcohol tolerance among all my friends.

things I've actually gotten seriously drunk on:

1) e-"something" wine cooler from 7-11 (1 bottle)
2) Hooch, flavored vodka cooler from Waterbar (1/2 bottle)
3) 1 SHOT OF TEQUILLA.
4) Half a pint of beer from Brewerkz
5) Choya, half a glass (approx 100ml)
6) Red wine, half a cup

Yes.

I've gotten dead drunk over these stuff. With the Tequilla giving the worst hangover in my entire life.

Some people's DNA code calls for a different, less efficient acetaldehyde dehydrogenase. This leads to a buildup of acetaldehyde after alcohol consumption, causing the alcohol flush reaction with hangover-like symptoms such as flushing, nausea, and dizziness. These people are unable to drink much alcohol before feeling sick, and are therefore less susceptible to alcoholism.^[5]^[6]

apparently I'm in this category...
sigh...

Oh well. Luckily I become dead drunk...

...

shucks.. recently I've been spending waaaay too much money..

This 3 months critical expenditure blowouts-
1) $60+ on grocery expenditure
2) $300 on supplements (awaiting $200 from other friends)
3) $100 on protein and DHA/EPA
4) $75 top up on BBDC drivers account
5) $85 on Kayaking course
6) $36 on Newton's Life Run
7) $140 on birthday presents
8) $160 on a restaurant
9) $60 on another four restaurants

Total Expenditure: $1016
Income from SAF: $1200
Assets: $250

Total left over less criticals: $434
Monthly Bills:
i. Transport Bill (MRT): $50 x 3 $150
ii. Transport Bill (Bus): $20 x 3 $60
iii. Transport Bill (Taxi): $50
iv. Aesthetics Expenditure: $70

Total Bills: $330

Total left over less criticals and bills: $104

Income from "Company X": $60
Income from "Company Y": $100 + $10

Total Profit on a general scale : $274

Btw. That does not count the amount that I spend eating everyday, the random stuffs I buy from Daiso etc etc.

so.. per month..

sigh.

I'm really poor ain't I..

sobz

Reedited - 31 03 2009
author's note :

Total profit on general scale : $274
LESS : Loss of passport = $120
LESS : Repair specs = $50

Recalculated profit on general scale : $154

The End of Winter

2009-03-18T16:05:00.003+08:00

and so it ends...
my mind is more blind then it has ever been.... and my heart really feels empty...

The person I love is gone forever... and we both agreed on it.

I feel like a killer with a contract - to kill myself...

*cries*

It suddenly feels so lonely.. so very cold out there..

I've spent almost a tenth of my entire life with him, and then its just "gone"..

all the hugs, finger wrestling, poking and cuddling...
all the ruffling of hair nose to nose kisses...
all the whispers of "i love you more then anything else" ...

most of the relationships i had ended on a bad note... but I think I'm at peace, knowing that we did the best for ourselves...

he says he will fade into the shadows... back to where he came from.
i will......
i don't know... it's just so sudden..

but i think its time. its finally time to get back with God.

my hibernation is over.

2009-03-13T13:01:00.002+08:00

I think I'm sick of blogging.
Heh.

Never thought that day would come... I knew the time would come when I'll be really too busy to blog, and neglect my blog.. but this is really unprecedented..

... I'm actually too lazy too blog...

The pasts week have taken a pretty sever toll on me.. I think its pretty much like a grinding stone...
Even the weather is topsy turvy... first the meteorological station was proclaiming January to be the driest month in ten years, then God seems to say, "oops", then it starts to rain cats and dogs everyday...

... not that I really hate the rain.. it just disrupts many of my schedules...
coz most of my free times are spend either swimming or tanning... (stop sniggering), or at the gym.

People keep asking me if I'm still a Christian, especially after the recent incidents and stuffs that happened..
I've said it, and I'll say it a million times over.
"I believe in God - the Christian God, His Son - Jesus, and The Councellor - The Holy Spirit."

I am a Christian in that aspact,
but over the months, I've realized that "what God thinks is best for us" IS NOT what makes us happy.
He doesn't care whether we are happy (presently), but rather if
i. His ultimate Will is done
ii. What is for the greater good.

I've been discussing with.. umm... a person inside, and we've came to a weird conclusion...
If everybody asked God for what they think is best for them, the world would be in abject chaos.
i.e.
Person A asks : "God, please smite this horrible DXO for me, he makes my life terrible."
Person B asks : "God, why is this happening? I just want to make amends, but its too hard for me to do so."

God cannot do both, but he can offer a central solution - such as providing a situation where both can understand each other and maybe even become friends.
- but that being so, both parties may not appreciate the push towards this solution.

God does what He thinks is best. - Not what we thinks is best.

haha... sounds ridiculous to some people I bet, but this is what I believe in, and I am sure that even some Christians would oppose our thinking, but yup, thats the way it goes.

I can breathe easier now.

Happy birthday darling, you're 21 years old already.
stop behaving like a little kid all the time k?
or I'll keep pinching your cheeks and messing up your hair..

... I love you...

*hugs tight*

o.O

2009-03-07T11:34:00.000+08:00

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

2009's Resolutions.

2009-01-23T08:00:00.004+08:00

Well, ironically - me being a Christian, it seems that my new year has started out on "Chinese New Year"... making 2008 one of the longest years I ever lived..

You know, everybody has a threshold. A limit which people can push, and beyond that... they just die - or run away for that matter.
Since I can't run away from SAF, my heart to serve the army has finally given up.

A thankless job is bad enough, but a thankless job where people berate you on a daily basis, spread false rumors about your department and look at your men with scorn. There's a limit.

Men's health wrote an article this week about "burnout". - exactly how my department is working now.

Anyway, as usual (but a little late), I have to make a list of resolutions that I plan to complete by the end of 2009.
sigh... sometimes life gives you pain, but if pain doesn't kill you - it can only make you stronger..

at least that's my idea I take with me to the gym everytime I step inside the arena.

TEN RESOLUTIONS. ONE OUTCOME : SUCCESS.

1) Save up for a true synthesizer/arranger, along with a sequencer.
Difficulty Rating : 8/10
The total cost for an arranger, a sequencer and of course the MIDI dongle that allows communication with PC would amount up to about $4000++ at least. This is the second step in my ultimate goal of cutting an album.
I'll have to save up at least 50% of my money every month, along with finding a freelance job outside to finance the requirement. The first step is to get the synth and the dongle at least.
Time Given - 1 year

2) Refresh my Grade 8 practical.
Difficulty Rating : 4/10
Its been almost 6 years since the time I finished my Grade 8. I think its about time to refresh it.
I'll have to find 3 grade 8 songs that sound nice (not easy!), and commit to finishing it in about 6 months.
Time Given - 6 months

3) Obtain my Car License.
Difficulty Rating : 3/10
I think I've procrastinated too long already, putting away the practical lessons due to monetary and time constraints. Its time to finish what I started long time ago.
I'll have to finance about $120 a month/4 lessons. Then I'll finish it in 3 months.
Time Given - 3 months

4) Obtain my Coporal First Class rank
Difficulty Rating : [0-10]/10
The difficulty rating being so high varies on the amount of commitment I want to allocate to my work. Now being 10/10 because of the utter lack of motivation and love for my work.
I need to find something to love in my work. For my ownself. The CFC rating is a forgone tribute for the ICs in my department. And of course, pass my frigging SBJ. (surprised?)
Time Given - 5 months

5) Decide if I want to continue studying or work, - and act on it.
Difficulty Rating : 7/10
Now that my portfolio is destroyed, I don't really have much to show any university... I don't even have much to show to any company that hires me. But like it or not, cruel life still goes on and I have to make one of the most important decisions in my life - to continue studying or start working.
If I choose to work, I need to find a company who will accept a video producer who will work freelance initially, then full time.
If I choose to go to university, I need to make a convincing report of my achievements, and I need to apply to many, many universities.
Time Given : 2 MONTHS

6) Take Alvin on a really long relaxing vacation.
Difficulty Rating : 5/10
I promised to go on a holiday with him last year, and I'm yet to fulfill that promise. This time I'll make it up twice. No shopping, no stress, no work - just pure relaxation; watching the rippling waves, setting sun and cool sea breeze; finding tasty food and just contemplating.
I'll need to wait for at last 3 months starting from February, when my dear will finally have finish his BMT, get inducted into his new unit and finally be able to clear his leave(s) or off(s).
It'll cost about $1000

7) Run at least 3 10km and above runs this year.
Difficulty Rating : 6/10
The difficulty is kinda high, because I plan to be able to run Army and Standard Chartered 21km at the end of this year. I can't really imagine how on earth am I going to do it, but I still wanna try. Thus I think I'll become much leaner by the end of this year as I'm concentrating on building endurance and definition this year.
I'll need to do my 1o km runs at least 5 times a month, on top of the standard weekly army runs. Quite tough, considering my abnormal schedule.
It'll cost about $70+

8) Get a clear answer from God - read: NOT HUMANS. About His stance on Homosexuality.
Difficulty Rating : [0-99]/10
It really depends if he wants to talk about it. If he wants to hold his silence, I'll never be able to find an answer too.
And no. I am not going to look to the Bible for answers. To me, the Bible is a book of chains that promise freedom. It is the LAW which describes the source of LIFE.
I'm going to ask him directly.
It can cost me my life.

9) Eliminate the last bit of scars from my face.
Difficulty Rating : 5/10
I think I'm kinda happy with the improvement on my face. Haha. Sounds stupid. But if you saw me like 5 years ago, you might think differently.
Needless to say, I need to step up on my regime. I've been slacking a bit. But alot still needs to be done.
It should cost me about $80 per month.
Time given : 8 months

10) Get my abs.
Difficulty Rating : 2/10
Stupid resolution that I keep making every year. I'm starting to wonder if it's within the genes for me NOT to get it. But considering the amout of endurance training I'm doing this year, I think if I don't get it, I'll be quite surprised, after all its just that stubborn little layer of fat aroud the waist! ARRGH.
I need to complete 6 series of cables, 12 series of cruches, 12 series of sit ups, 6 series of leg raises, 3 series of obliques resistance and 3 series of roman chairs every week.
Not much difficulty as I'm already almost doing it every week.
Time given : 5 Months

well.. This is about it. My usual 10 resolutions per year.
There are some resolutions in my mind that I wanna do, but the time span might cross over a year.
This are some of my ultimate goals within 5 years

A. Cut a professional music album with the ASH
B. Show that a hardcore gymmer CAN run 42km
C. Go to university
D. Start returning my dad and mum their investment on me
E. Find a good, stable job at a media company

F. I finally received an answer (re:8)
Route 1 : [The Green Light Option] I will put my full strength, and with God's help create one of the strongest christian community where homosexuals can be fully assured about their sexuality and that there is no condemnation
Route 2 : [The Red Light Option] I will ask God to change me. Through fire and storms, pain and agony. And if He will not, I will ask why again.
Route 3 : [No Light] There is no question now. I will still believe in God, but never again like how it was like in the past... I will still worship. But love, I think not.

zzz.. I wrote so much.
But this is one of my more important articles in a year.
=)

I leave on a happy note! I got half day off today! xD

ciAoz~!

2009-01-17T22:53:00.005+08:00

you're back!... and I'm not about to let you leave my side...
*hugs*

I love you dear

Help Me God...

2009-01-11T18:52:00.002+08:00

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb

'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath

You were there, You were there
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God

You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God

`- Avalon

where are you God...
where are you now...
you promised you would be with me always...

Why are all these things happening to me?

Are you there, when it seems impossible to win the battle against such wicked tyranny?
I'm trembling with all my might now...
Its really happening to me...

I can't win against such hate against my people...

Hold my hand, my God.
Whisper into my ear and tell me you are there...
Be my shield and my fortress...
And I will praise you all the days of my life...

Are you there, when all my life work shatters into nothingness? When I fall down from such a height, such a confidence... That I feel I may not ever recover again?
I lost my battle...
But I realized that it has been my own battle I have been fighting all along..

God, in all His sovereignty - had better plans
Lead me, my God.
Push me into the path that leads to your battle.
I don't want to be fighting for myself...
I want to be fighting for you..
And when the battle is won, I will hug you so close and I know you will say I fought well...

Dear God...
It seems so bleak now... I can't even move..
No... I don't even know where to move now...
I can't get into university without my portfolio now.. is it Your will?

I really don't understand...
You gave me this song, and it seems that my whole future is so unclear now..

I worked for you, and I worked hard...

Will you forsake your servant?

Why do you let this happen to me?

I thought you said that you love me...

is this how you treat the child you love?

my life is at its darkest moments and hardest crossroads... and just when I'm about to take a step forward, your light suddenly disappears...

I've lost so much faith and trust..

oh God... you held me so close before.. where are you now?

where are you now????!!!!

I do not doubt that You exist, because I know you do..
but you said that you love me.
if by dying on the cross satisfies everything, I want to die on the cross too..

you said that you love me...

father... prove it.

2009-01-08T23:05:00.003+08:00

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.

Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

Brandish spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

Since they hid their net for me without cause
and without cause dug a pit for me,

May ruin overtake them by surprise—
may the net they hid entangle them,
may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.

Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD
and delight in his salvation.

My whole being will exclaim,
"Who is like you, O LORD ?
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,
the poor and needy from those who rob them."

Ruthless witnesses come forward;
they question me on things I know nothing about.

They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.

But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee;
attackers gathered against me when I was unaware.
They slandered me without ceasing.

Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked ;
they gnashed their teeth at me.

O Lord, how long will you look on?
Rescue my life from their ravages,
my precious life from these lions.

I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

Let not those gloat over me
who are my enemies without cause;
let not those who hate me without reason
maliciously wink the eye.

They do not speak peaceably,
but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land.

They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha!
With our own eyes we have seen it."

O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.
Do not be far from me, O Lord.

Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.

Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God;
do not let them gloat over me.

Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!"
or say, "We have swallowed him up."

May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.

- Psalms 35
A song written by King David when he was distraught

2008 - The Year of Disaster.

2009-01-01T15:00:00.004+08:00

2008 was quite a bad year.
sigh.
=/

I haven't consolidated my resolutions for 2009, but I guess one of my posts next week would be on it.

For now, on the 1st day of 2009, I'm going to try to review this entire year - in 4 quarters.

1st Quarter - January to March 2008.

Just fresh out of BMT, got my posting to go SAF Ammunition Command to learn explosives and ammunition - was ecstatic
Met some really good friends there, and some strange characters. But was an enlightening experience
There were people who gave nice memories like Staff Sin, Darryl(s) and Xavier
MMI gave me a strange report on Glycosuria. Apparently they needed to do a thorough analysis of my case. - my pes status was put on hold for another 3 months
1 year. I think I can count with 1 hand how many of my relationships actually more then a year. I hope everything turns out right...
Decided to try my luck in NTU and NUS. - Chose the absolutely wrong courses. Economics. Forgot that I wasn't just competing with Polytechnics. Had China mathematics gods to contend with.

2nd Quarter - April to June 2008

Ice cold. Relationship seemed to break down dramatically during that period. Arguments started to drag into unreasonable anger and it lasted for a long time. Almost gave up.
Got a job writing street reviews for POIT, a PLU magazine. Got a bit to spend. But nothing ever seemed like enough.
Decided to permernantly revive my hardcore gym routine. First day - almost destroyed my back.
Final examinations for SAFAC. Decided to go easy on myself. Explosives seemed like an interesting subject at first, but as we studied the intricacies, I realized it wasn't so fun after all. ~ Passed. With flying colors.
Was given the papers to got to this hellhole called "Mandai West Camp". Vomited blood. Wanted to go Nee Soon. Almost killed myself.
Finally got my Ammunition Tech skill badge. Was ecstatic. I am one of the sparse minority of army personnel who has a skill badge and yet has a rank of a private.
Was dumped into the Ammo Dump. Fascinating place. Opened my eyes to stuff I never thought possible. But still concrete = Depression.
MMI report flew back 1 day before I could permanently seal my SGT rank in. I was downgraded to Pes C.
Unable to stay in, Non-Combat fit and exemption from Outfield made me get kick out of SAFAC forever. After all, who needs an ammunition spec who can't handle explosives?
I was relocated to paradise, aka Stagmont Camp...

3rd Quarter - July to October 2008

The closest thing to SAF paradise would probably be this. - Stagmont Camp.
Life was good. I had just one room to myself, as long as I made sure that it was in order, everything would be good. - so I thought.
I could stay out, had lunch whenever I wanted and being a server administrator, could watch the entire building with an everlasting eye.
I had books to read too! An air-condition! After all, the place that I was in charge in was the E-Plaza, a place where trainees relax. I was the undisputed emperer of the E-Plaza.
Slowly but surely, the seniors in my department started to ORD. No new people were filling in the gaps. Stress started to build. More responsibilities slowly piled upon the current team.
Went to Malaysia with my dear. Almost got a heart attack when he fell into a drain. It was... super beautiful.

4th Quarter - October to December 2008

Life became indistinguishable between work and living itself. Stress had became synonymous with life.
AVA Department was being torn from the inside out. Superiors started going crazy as the leaderships among the department started changing hands.
From 12 people in our Department, we were reduced to 8, then to 6, and now 5. We has multiple rooms to control and millions of things to do. - Due to the old generation, we could not rub the word "slack" from our department. It seemed like the default comment people made.
Games in my department seemed like a distant, pleasant memory.
As the previous IC became increasingly distant, I was arrowed to fill in the administrative gaps. - I became the IC in the end.
I made some real, dangerous enemies, and not much friends. It was the curse of being a leader.
Church activities were in its super peak period, and hundreds of things had to be done. Magazines, Carolling and plenty of band practices.
I finally reach the highest scale of stress I ever recorded in my life.

I thought that the media was bad. That the politics that they play within the mass communication industry was bad.
But this is far, far worst.

Your boss would backstab you and your entire department without a second thought, just because they don't like you.
At least, outside, your treated like human beings.

Here, you're treated worst then dogs - at least dogs have food to eat and a loving master.

Here, you're thrown to the sharks, with no lifeline, no weapon, and covered with blood. You have no voice to scream because your voice box was ripped out - nobody will listen.

You have no escape, because you can't - simply put, you're in a tank with no ladder and no escape route.

Even if you never did anything wrong, your boss would just lie to his superior and the people around him so that the punishment he envisioned would go through.
We are unable to reason with any of the bosses, because they believe - through his lies, that my department has no credibility.

We are so far away from the HQ that nobody here's our cry.
We don't have anybody above a corporal rank that can voice out any injustice.

The only thing that they hear are complains from the instructors here because the instructors don't get what they want.
But does the HQ give us the power to solve the problems? No.

We tell the instructors the orders that the HQ gives us. The instructors are not happy with that orders. They send a complain letter to the bosses that we are the one that are not cooperating.

Is that our fault? Truly?

It is not in the slightest way our fault.

But do we have a voice? no.

We are being punished, scolded, criticized, mocked and mistreated without the hope of ever being able to state our case.

... .............

2008 is a year of severe ups and severe downs...
I hate 2008..

.........

sigh.

with things as bad as they are in 2008, how much worse can it be in 2009..
..but i've got a gut feeling that some people are going to prove me wrong...

*stares blankly*

The Worst Month of the Year

2008-12-29T14:48:00.002+08:00

who wants my job?
leh long leh long.

its very ok wan..

You only need to do the work of 8 people, let your superiors claim credit for it, cover the shit that is coming from on top and maintain your sanity. While receiving half the pay of a road sweeper.

On top of that, you have to play the forever losing game of office politics.

(authors note: I tried to write the scenario of what happened. But it turned out to be so complicated, if I finished writing it, I think I can become Minfong Ho.)

I'm so pissed I almost fainted from anger just now...

My head was literally swimming..

Guess wad? I got scolded for NOTHING. NOTHING at all!
I got scolded by a person under me, for nothing! Just because he was angry.

Like wtf?

No. I do not have the power of a sergeant or a godlike officer to fucking kick his ass or give him extra. So what to do?
suck thumb lah!

Cos even if I explain the situation to him, he wouldn't understand it. And even if he did, he wouldn't believe it.

ARRRGHH!! I don't even want to think about it. It makes me pissed just thinking about it.

Polar bear Polar bear Polar bear
Cute baby seals Cute baby seals Cute baby seals
Little hamsters Little hamsters Little hamsters.

FUCK!!!
I can't even concentrate on doing my work just thinking about it.

Am I supposed to go up to him and lovingly tell him. "Look there is a misunderstanding?"
Nah beh. He's most likely going to curse my mum and dad and every single one of my ancestors if possible before I could finish the sentence!

and don't start with the, "how do you know if you havn't even tried" thing.

would you go into the den of starving lions and say, "Hi! I would like to explain to you why you shouldn't eat me."
I'm sure an angel would come down and clamp the lion's mouth shut.

screwed up world.

I feel like giving up everything you know.
If not for the fact that I KNOW that nobody else will take the shit that I'm taking, I wouldn't even bother doing this shitty fucked up thing.

This is by far the most stressed up month of my entire year. And it HAD to be December.

My parents expect me to do a hell lot of things.
The church wants me to do a hell lot of things.
My WORK demands me to do a hell lot of things.

everybody expects so much of me... why on earth do I even bother?

............ so many people are telling me to quit.
Just throw everything away.

Don't even bother about the slightest thing anymore...

I really.. really want to do that.

But I can't!!!!!
I CAN'T!!!!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'M UNAPPRECIATED, MISUNDERSTOOD, BLAMED AND DEVALUED, I WILL NOT LET ANOTHER PERSON SUFFER FOR THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY!

BECAUSE I AM NOT A COWARD!

... If I cannot be the eagle, I will still be the wind beneath it's wings..
I'll never be appreciated. But within my short life span, I can lift up the eagle high up...

you won't understand.
nobody will.
cause if they did, they won't tell me to quit.

its a battle that I have always been fighting... alone.

I just wonder... does God even know? Is this a counterbalance for the sins I've committed?

Now I really know why some people who take my position want to commit suicide.

Nonchalant Thoughts.

2008-12-23T08:39:00.004+08:00

I guess nobody really understands me.

No one.

It's wrong to work hard.
It's wrong NOT to work hard.

... really pissed.

I mean, some people actually want my dad to talk to LKY to complaint about army.

wow. I didn't know that my dad was so powerful!

zzz...

"... i didn't know I had such a useless boyfriend."

ok.

yeah. I'm useless.

... yeah... I know... I've been useless all along for so many years.

I'm useless because I do whatever I've been told...
I'm useless because I do not stand up for myself...
I'm useless because I just strive to give the best in everything I do...

I know I'm being exploited..

But given a choice between having an easy, boring life, compared to a life that is blazingly hardworking.. I think i'd choose the latter...

Yes, it's true that I'm stressed.

and it's true that I do have a choice not to do my work.

But what would happen otherwise?

Would another person be assigned to do it? - No.
Would another person be forced against his will to do it? - Yes.
Would people get angry for that? - Yes.
Would people suffer for that? - Yes.
Would people's trust get severed? - Yes.

... I just don't think that all this is worth me pushing away my responsibilities or tasks...

I know that SAF is a screwed up, F***** up organization.

But since I'm not given a choice not to serve, I'd might as well give it the best I have!

If everybody had the mentality that SAF is screwed up and thus be screwed up, of course things will never change...

If I could rank my personality I think that I'm a

1) Stubborn
2) Selfless
3) Christian

I'm stubborn. Stubborn to the point of stupidity. If I truly believe in something, I will be blind to everything else. I will accept no other opinions, and no other answers, unless every single evidence around me crumbles to dust.

I'm selfless. In the retarded way. I would rather suffer then cause many friends and people I love around me to suffer in the slightest way. I would rather die then let the whole world suffer a day because of me.

I believe that "Christian" is a personality. Because of its value that has been drilled into me.
"Do unto others what you would want others to do unto you."
"Love your enemy."
"Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength."

sigh...

Does anybody truly understand my conflict?
I don't think so.

...I really don't think so...

Tank - Qing Tian Yu

2008-12-20T00:30:00.003+08:00

你说你是雨天
而我是太阳耀眼
说我不适合出现在
你住的灰色世界
想晒干你的泪
却被你简单拒绝
在我手心里的温度
好想要分给你一点
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
你说你不怕黑
一个人也无所谓
独自撑伞走过伤悲
不再和爱有关联
我想要带你飞
飞向彩虹的另一边
我们搬进幸福的里面
一直到永远的永远
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨

晴天雨天谁说只能对立
我偏偏只想和你在一起
美丽美丽好浪漫的晴天雨
我们的天空不再孤寂
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
让我期待晴天下的雨
让我们的天空不再孤寂

...

you said you're the rain
and I'm the blinding sun...
you said that in this gray, sad world,
it would be impossible for us to be together

I wanted to dry your tears
but you simply rejected me
All I wanted was to give you
the bit of warmth that was in my hand

At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...

Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I want to do is to be with you.

Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?

You said the darkness don't scare you,
that you don't mind loneliness..
Carrying your pain and anguish alone
Hoping love never crosses your path again...

I wish I could fly and carry you
To the other side of the rainbow
Where we can live out the rest of our lives
In happiness and comfort

At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...

Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I really want is to be with you.

Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?

Who says the sun
Who says the rain,
must only exist alone?
I don't care... all I want is to be together with you
It's so beautiful to see rain on a sunny day
Where our skies will never be lonely ever again...

Who says I can't hope for the sun and the rain?
I just want to be together with you...
Today, and forever, I don't ever want to be apart
Please, let me wait for the rain to fall on my sunny day,
So our skies will never be lonely again...

2008-12-12T00:19:00.003+08:00

it's so lonely at night.... even the stars don't blink much anymore..

you're so near, yet so far...

have I been a good boyfriend?...

I guess I tried my best...

I did...

Dear God, do you want me to be with Alvin? :

I was staring at a dewy, forsaken web. It looked so broken, nothing could ever, ever make it a home.
I challenged God and asked for something almost impossible to happen. I asked for life in that web.

I asked God for a sign.
Immediately, a little spider suddenly jumped up and startled me till I fell flat on my butt on the ground.

I asked God for a sign again.
Immediately, a larger, lighter brown spider jumped up and bit the little spider. The spider struggled then broke its leg and ran away.

I asked God for one last sign.
I closed my eyes... and when I opened, the web was empty again. There was nothing left.

I challenged Him to give me an answer.

He gave me an answer.

It was no coincidence.

But now my heart feels more pain then ever before...

.. I wished I never asked...

Please... Don't go...

2008-12-08T00:47:00.004+08:00

Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears that hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
-
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
-
Ten to five at least we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you
-
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
-
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

2008-12-07T08:16:00.001+08:00

it's... all over...

*cries*

Potentially and Realistically

2008-12-02T21:59:00.002+08:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?""Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied,

"Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."

Holiday Cheers! - or not.

2008-12-01T15:54:00.004+08:00

You know there are good days, and bad days....

then there are good holidays, and bad holidays...

Zzz.. It's funny, when you're always loaded with so much stuff to do, then when you're thrown with holidays, you have no idea what to do with it...

seriously....

=/

anywayz, on a heavier note, the month of December marks the start of my cutting month.

ARRGH!!! WTF WTF WTF!!! KPKBBPBPSBSBKNNBCCB!!!
%@!$@(!

Jeez. Wish I had planned my training schedules more accurately...

I can't eat Christmas goodies now.... So I'll stick to baking, making or just smashing them.

Well, I'm going to be making the following this Christmas

1) Christmas Fruit Cake! (yup, with brandy and walnuts, almond, macadamias and lots of fruits!)

2) Christmas flavored chocolate chip cookies! (Chocolate chip cookies with a snap of ginger and cinnamon!)

3) Christmas pudding! (ok. I havn't the vaguest idea how to make a christmas pudding, but I just wanna give it a try.)

4) ~~Istanbul~~... no... TURKEY!! heh heh heh... (well, it's one of the few christmassy stuff that I can sink my teeth into!)

5) Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake! (soft and fluffy chocolate mousse cheesecake!)

hmm.. Yup, I think I'll just stick with these five for the time being...

almost all five of them are uber sinful, but I think I'd just let other people get fat...

haha....

I tried doing HIIT today round my estate. I think I looked like a uber stupid idiot...
Fast - slow - fast - slow - fast slow...

People who see me sprinting would be thinking that I'm mad or I'm chasing a thief.

People who see me jogging would be thinking I'm dying cos I'm breathing so hard.

=X

Not good. I think I'd stick to the stationary bike next time.

Anywayz, I've managed to up my HIIT intervals to 15 intervals... So that should do it for now until next January.

and on a happier note, my mum has finally agreed with me that an electric toothbrush works better then a manual toothbrush!!
yes. We had a debate on that.

versus

I always thought that an electric toothbrush cleans better then a manual toothbrush.

isn't it?

My mum always said, "Electric Toothbrushes are for LAZY PEOPLE."
huh?

oh... uhh... then , "Mum.. why are you using a water heater for hot water? Shouldn't you be like boiling the water in the traditional way and pouring it into the tub?"

err.... no sense right?

ha.

Yay. I'm going to get myself an electric toothbrush for Christmas...

*grins*

I've always prided myself in my white teeth.. xD

Hmm...

2008-11-28T10:00:00.001+08:00

To Die or not to Die

2008-11-26T18:00:00.003+08:00

People always ask me if I ever get shaken in my faith... even after being a Christian for so many years and being part of a many essential teams that run the church..

hah... I'd be a downright awful liar if I say no.

What do you think about death?
- a transition?
- an essential part of everything?
- a liberation?

well... what about a slow, painful, extremely costly death... a slow death where you are beyond the skills of doctors and medicine.

The National Council of Churches (NCCS), issued a statement not too long ago condemning the practice of euthanasia - essentially, the permittive act of causing another person who is hopelessly ill or suffering, the choice of death.

Their reasoning highlights 4 points
1) The Sanctity of Life
2) Respect for Human Life
3) The Ethos of Medical Practice and
4) Euthanasia's effect on society

For the full statement:
(http://www.methodist.org.sg/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=938)

My problem with the above reasoning are as follows.

1) The Sanctity of Life.
God gave us life, thus it is not in our hands to take it away. God made us good stewards of life (argument from my Dad in the debate I had a few days back). As such, we must treasure it and make sure that it is not taken away unless it is the will of God.
If we allow euthanasia, being passive or actively playing a role in it, we are taking away life, and not being a good steward of the li(ves) that God gave us.

Now. My question is this. Does retaining life make us a good steward of life?

True, it is not our power to take life away. But is it in our power to push life to a person? .

A person dying from a wasting disease, writhing in agony every second. Blood seeps from his eyes as he cries, his veins are purple and blue, his skin rotting away.
He cries out to you to "let him go", "let him die". To release him from this "diabolical life-sustaining machine" that is causing him to live another ten months before his body eventually collapses beyond the power of machines.
You say kindly, "I will do whatever it is in my power to let you live.", "I'll spend my whole family's saving, sell my house, my insurance, stocks and shares to let you live this ten months."

... "who knows, there might be a cure."

The person begs you not to waste resources and let him die.

In the natural context, the person would have died from that wasting disease already. But due to life extension systems, advance medicine and your undivided attention and resources, his life is prolonged indefinitely.

Are you playing God?
Does God give life? Yes.
Does God take life? Yes.

Who are you to extend another person's suffering, increase your family and loved one's suffering due to your wastage of resources, destroy another person's hope of using that life support for a curable disease?

2) Respect for Human Life
The Sixth Commandment of the Decalogue prohibits murder - which extends to suicide and the losing of personal life as well.
Euthanasia is not a treatment, it is not a cure. Euthanasia is a release.
It is the release of the suffering of another person, to die naturally. Would one person kill another to save the entire world?
That may be an exaggeration, but there has been so many instances in the bible where one person died to save the world - the Gospal being the prime example.

It may be heresy to say that Jesus "committed suicide" to save the world, but the fact is that He did give up his own life to save every one of us, from the very real eternal death that we would have faced!

What respect is there for a life that persists in consuming resources, enduring unending agony and claiming it all in the sanctity of his own life?
Selfish? - probably.

3) Ethos of Medical Practice
To minimize suffering and maximize care. Never to kill.
Which one is more important?
If both are important, which one takes precedence?

I care so much for the patient that I cause all the other patients around me to be unable to receive my full attention. I tried morphine, valium, cerebrex, whatever it takes to stop the pain, but verging on killing that patient, that patient is still in so much pain.

What would be ETHOS then?
Ethos is derived from Ethics. As a medical practitioner, you're to ease suffering, and do what it takes to save the rest.
If a plagued victim enters your hospital, incurable. Would you send him away?
He is suffering so badly. And the solution to the problem is just in pressing the power switch on the right of his bed.
What would you do?
You think not killing him will save the rest of your patients?

4) The effect of Euthanasia on Society
"Seeing death as the ultimate solution and not considering other alternatives."
Lets compare Euthanasia and Abortion, as so kindly equalized in the statement.

Euthanasia -
Alternative way out : Supreme Divine Intervention
Possible to affect people around you adversely : Yes
Taxing on resources : Yes
(It's tough. And no reward)

Abortion -
Alternative way out : Raise the frigging kid!!
Possible to affect people around you adversely : Yes. People will go smoochie smoochie what a cute baby.
Taxing on resources : Of course, but it is rewarding when your child finally grows to become a good person.
(It's really tough. But the reward is immensively high)

But lets look at the "alternative way out". Rejecting Euthanasia, the person eventually dies. Rejecting abortion, the person eventually lives.
Is it a proper comparison? - My suggestion is "no."

Euthanasia does not advocate "DEATH" as a solution to "SOCIAL ILLS". Euthanasia is the solution for "MEDICAL INCAPACITY AND ABJECT SUFFERING."
social ills is such a broad term that can be used to classify things like robbery, murder, to even breaking up with your boyfriend.

Why on earth are you all trying to downplay the severity of euthanasia?

....

I agree with the suggestion that more Hospices should be set up, more caregivers and medical-relief technology should be looked into. But I still believe that prolonging suffering is not our duty.

As stewards of money, we give as needed, we take as needed.
Not giving, for the sake of selfishness, makes us a bad steward.
Giving, for the sake of fame and adoration, makes us a bad steward.

As good stewards of life, we give as needed, we take as needed.
Witholding for the sake of selfishness makes a bad steward
Giving for the sake of fame and adoration, makes us a bad steward.

Who are you to judge who is allowed to live or die?

If you truly have the guts, then let the person be off medically!

Use divine intervention and divine powers to heal! No medicine!

What is my stand then?
My stand is, "If a person has no cure, beyond the reach of the instruments of this world, is suffering immensively, taxing on resources, AND HE REQUESTS TO DIE. - then let it be." - and by 'let it be' i mean, let it go naturally.
Off the life support and heaps of drugs, and let God-breathed life take its final course.

If God willed it, then he shall live by the grace of God.

NOT BY THE POWER OF HUMAN MEDICINE or MACHINES.

That is, by the way, passive euthanasia.

I do not advocate any other form of euthanasia. And since my example is extremely specific, obviously it doesn't cover suicide either.

Think again before you take the bible out of context.
Don't make yourself be a laughing stock for nothing.

...

Lol. The Depravity

2008-11-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

George Bush went to a primary school to talk to the kids and get a little PR for his campaign. After his talk he offered some question time. One little boy put up his hand and George asked him his name. "Billy" responded the little boy. "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rang for recess. George Bush informed the kids that they would continue after recess. When they resumed, George said, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy put up his hand. George pointed him out and asked him his name. "Steve", he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 5 questions,sir. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the fuck happened to Billy?

Desiderata

2008-11-15T23:09:00.004+08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive, to be happy.

--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

my dad told me a meaningful poem today... after hearing the bitter issues i was facing...

... well...

maybe... just maybe...

I swear I'll never believe in morality again.

2008-11-15T01:01:00.002+08:00

I swear I'll never believe in morality again.

What on earth is morality? Nothing but a pile of shit created by humans to justify their own reasons. To meet their own ends.

I can tell you that "truth" is one thing, and it is up to you to believe it. And since I'm your boss, my truth is the TRUTH - nothing else matters. Not even what you consider is the truth.

I think that killing people is right. Since I'm your boss, what i say is right, it is right. If you do not kill people upon my orders, you will be sent to prison.

What conscience?

What humanity?

Is it not an irrelevant boundary?

I came the closest ever to being sent to the Detention Barracks today in my entire SAF life - for standing up for my subordinate.
I can't say anything on this blog, for obvious reasons. But suffice to say, my "conscience" is crystal clear.

oh... but again. Look above. Conscience doesn't matter!

Fuck.

Why on earth do I work so hard to be unappreciated, stepped upon, criticized, compared and insulted?
WHY??
I'm sick of being exploited because it is just my nature to put in my best.

I'm just a lowly measly bug crawling on the floor who earns TEN TIMES less then people who do TEN TIMES less work.

no. I'm utterly sick of it.

But it goes against my conscience. I have to erase and rewrite my conscience once and for all.

I should not be hardworking.
I should be a backstabber, like all those people earning TEN TIME more.
I should be a lazy slob.
I should report to work late and leave early.
I should complain at the slightest behest.

Can I do all this?

No.

Because unlike many "people", I'm a human.

I'm a human ruled by demons.

and I can't escape.

well... now that I've helped my subordinate, most of the ire will now be directed at me.
my life in SAF will be hell beyond hell from now...

.... why? WHY ME?

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE I/C.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS!!!

I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! SO SO VERY MUCH!!! I HATE IT! I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!

why do i always op out of being in "committees" and "managements"? because of this!!

....

When my brother was explaining to me how it was pointless, I just felt so sad and helpless...

Is this what I must face in the world?
Is doing right means getting punished?
Is fighting for the rights of other people a slap in your own face?

If that is so...

I give up on this world.

I give up on everything in this world.

I hate it.

I hate this world.

FUCKED UP SUPERIOR

2008-11-13T22:38:00.001+08:00

FUCKING MICHAEL TAN.

FUCKING UNREASONABLE, FUCKING DISGUSTING, FUCKING DESPICABLE ASSHOLE!!

I'M SO FUCKING GLAD YOUR WIFE KICKED THE BUCKET!

SHE MUST BE SO FUCKING ASHAMED TO SEE YOU IN THIS CONDITION.

JUST GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF, DRINK POISON, GET CANCER AND LEAVE THIS EARTH ASAP!!!

KNNBCCB!!!

I - WILL - NOT - ALLOW - YOU - TO - HARM - MY - DEPARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Complain Update

2008-11-12T16:34:00.002+08:00

It's funny that I'm in a workplace surrounded by computers and network system and yet I can hardly squeeze out time to blog.
Sigh...

Between the last time I blog and now, so many things happened that I'm unsure whether to be happy or utterly frustrated. Maybe I should be happily frustrated, or frustratedly happy... whatever..

Anyway, I've got my nice lofty position in a nice comfortable room with a nice comfortable chair ripped out from beneath me and I've been booted far, far upwards to become the I/C of my department.
.. utterly spastic.

No. I do not like my job, I hardly think it's worth the double promotion and the first class promotion that dangles before me like a half eaten, worm rotten trout.

I don't mind if I just do like extremely tough physical work and administrative work, but I'm totally freaked out by politics.

Person A hates person B
Person B asks me to go backstab Person A.
Person A is my friend.
I try nicely to talk to him to change his "working style"
Person A asks me nicely to backstab Person B.
...
Person B gets frustrated that things are not getting done.
He punishes everybody with a blanket punishment saying, "since Person A has done this, everybody must be punished now."
Person A tries to get everybody to hate Person B.
but Person B ends up getting everybody's sympathy.
I end up having to answer for why on earth the punishment isn't working. Like wtf?

...

Dumb stupid job.

I hate politics. I hate propaganda. I hate backstabbing people whom I don't even know. And I hate people expecting me to know everything the moment I'm elevated to demi-godlike status.

Like wtf?

sigh....

I really wish I had my dear to confide to these few days...
It's so hellish...

He's currently happily holidaying in China... *sobz*

I wanna go along with him too...

(Btw. The author is typing secretively in his department HQ, coz if the rest saw, I'd be stuck in deeper shit then Obama is brown. - just kidding)

Somehow, with Obama winning the election, it seems like not just America is celebrating, but the entire world is celebrating with them....
The newspaper forum articles that praise Obama outnumber those that are apprehensive over his upcoming reign 10:1 ....

yeah. I'm glad that there is a nice new leader for the world's most powerful nation, but isn't the whole issue a bit overhyped?
doh. He advocates change yet rejects the recognition of same sex marriages...

I'm still kinda bitter over the outcome of proposition 8.

...

Now the Singaporean government will gloat over this unfortunate turn of events and will NEVER give any advantages to gays and lesbians in Singapore... at least not until this simple matter of proposition 8 blows over.
I think alot of other countries will follow suit and retract their GLBT freedom policies.

FUCK.

Now that is pissifying.

George Bush advocates war, this black man advocates intolerance. Now what is next.
No. I do not think that John McCain will do any better. But that is not the issue.

tch.

arrgh... life aint very good.
It's like a bed of rose. literally.
i'm being pierced all over.

jeez.
I can't wait to relinquish this spastic position. % #%&*^@&!

Philophobia

2008-10-20T09:47:00.003+08:00

okay.. I realized I havn't updated my blog for like eons, coz mainly I don't know what to write.. It's just that boring..

I seriously don't know what to write... jeesh.

Well, recently I've been going out with my dear a lot, and he's rather grumpy and moody from all the financial turmoil that have been going on in the world markets...
and when he gets angry he make a really cute face... furrowing his eyebrows and baring his teeth.

bleah..

Its funny, considering how I consider myself to be an expert on relationships, yet can't help but feel annoyed at some antics that Alvin does...
it sounds ludicrous that I claim to be extremely experienced in relationships cos I'm only in my early twenties, but really.. does age matter?

I've been through so many that sometimes, I wonder if I could ever fully trust a relationship ever again...

I always say that "The first relationship is never the last."
It's a simple, polarized and vastly sweeping statement that carries my exact judgement on what would happen in the future.

I believe that it is impossible to believe or understand the amount of sacrifice, love or care the other party gives if one doesn't lose everything and realize that loss.

If you have everything, would you know nothing?
If your life is all happiness, would you truly know happiness?

Complacency and lack of understanding breeds contempt...

How far would you go, compared to your previous relationships, to sustain your current relationship? Can you prevent the same mistakes from happening if they never happened in the first place?

I think I lost count on the amount of relationships that I've been through...

Each time being stabbed and hurt so badly that I become numb.
Numb?
Yeah.. thats the definition... Not what happens when another person who loves you hurt you mistakenly...
It's when the person whom you sacrificed and love so very much turn their back to you and walk away..

Numb, is pain so intense that you no longer feel pain.
When your body shuts down it's responses to agony to protect itself from dying from emotional pain.

You cannot feel numb when another person truly loves you.

If anyone can claim to be numb when another person who loves you accidentally does something hurtful, then they either don't know what they're talking about.. or doesn't love the person in the first place.

When a couple gets into a relationship, they start out with fluffy puppy love in the beginning, but it evolves into a more distinct, supportive love eventually.
Words like,
"You're so beautiful", "You're so sweet", "I want to be with you forever"
evolves to become
"You're always beautiful to me", "*a simple grin*", "Let's do this together".

It no longer becomes an issue with the other party, which always starts out in the beginning that way, and it no longer becomes an issue with yourself, which always slices in halfway in a turning point in the relationship.

It's about how you can complement him. It's about how he can complement you.

Have you seen him cry? Or have you touched his tears?
Have you felt his deepest agony or his darkest fears?

Have you? Can you?

One day, you'll come face to face with this, and can you still innocently give that puppy love that falls to nothing in the face of true sadness?

If you love someone, then understand that it takes more then talking on the phone, going out with him or her everyday, or spending money on them.

One day, it'll just all fall to nothing. And then you'll realize what numbness is really like.

I love his smile.
I love his witty statements.
I love his big broad grins.
I love his hugs from behind.
I love his hugs from the front.
I love his spikey hair.
I love his puppy eyes.

I love his grumpiness.
I love his frowns.
I love his bared teeth.
I love his furrowed eyebrows.

I love his sadness.
I love his sniffles.
I love his tears.

They are all what make Alvin, Alvin. The Alvin I love so much...
We may argue, make spiteful comments at each other, or even fight... but it's what makes us treasure each other more when we're not.

I love him..

always did....

FUCK.

2008-09-18T11:26:00.002+08:00

Arrgh...

Chinups - 12
Standing Broad Jump - 240
Situps - 40
Shuttle Run : 10.06 seconds

TOTAL : 20 points, all "A"

... I had to sprain my leg during the uphill climb of the 2.4 km route to FAIL my 2.4 km run.

like wtf?

no. in fact everybody was like going. WTF?

KNNBCCB.

Now I have to wait an additional 3 months before my promotion.

WTF?

CB lah. This is like a fucking sway week for me.

Repealing the Hatchet.

2008-09-14T07:34:00.003+08:00

Lots of people have asked me about my opinion on homosexuality, me being a christian extremist, and me being gay as well.
Do I think it's right? - No.
Do I think it's wrong? - No.

I just think that it's a phenomenon in human beings that human beings are inherently imperfect. That out of every few hundreds being born everyday, one turns out different.
Do we isolate albinos?
Do we isolate children born with cerebal palsy?

Not that I'm comparing the gay community with defects, but rather, morality and religion dictates what makes us "perfect" or "imperfect".

If God says that homosexuality is a sin, then it is a sin. But so is smoking, gambling, pre-marital sex, stealing and even masturbation a sin.
Society criminalize what it wants to criminalize then releases "sin" into the general populace.

Is it fair? Why does section 377A exist, when people can openly gamble in Singapore?

If the government is indeed doing this for the Christian (majority) populace, then why not ban all the others as well?

While to some it may seem that it's a difference of issue, to those that are affected, it's outright hypocrisy.

I struggle with 3 things in my Christian walk, to the point of crippling.

1) Reconciling the fact that "God" is a "Loving" God, and yet condemns what I can't help doing.

2) That Homosexuality stand out as a "greater sin" in the Christian community then any other issue put altogether. (Even the bid to stop the building of the integrated resort didn't go through).

3) That the entire world is poise on the brink of being antichristian because of the fact that Encompassing Love and Condemnation are contradictory, and Christianity and Condemnation seem to be walking hand-in-hand with each other.

The worst part? - The three points above are undisputedly happening within Christian community in Singapore.

I'm gay.

Christians look at me with skepticism and cynicism, because I claim to love God, and yet I do things that are contradictory to His Word.

Non-Christians look at me with bewilderment because they wonder why I still cling on so tightly to a God that "hates" me and a community that loathes me even more.

Funny thing is, I'm yet to face direct condemnation from my christian peers and leaders, yet I can tell that they approach that topic with extra caution when talking about it in front of me.

Gone are the times when gays had to hide in the shadow, away from the sun, away from the mobbing populace.
We can't change ourselves, and it's ridiculous to even think that we can.
Trying will only cause us to end up hurting the opposite sex and ourselves.

Why love when unrequited love is like a million daggers that pierces the soul?

Singapore has already been classified as a closed, conservative country, the babylon of the gay community, and the capital of intolerance in South East Asia.

Do I care? No.

I love Singapore the way it is now. And for all what people say, I'm still gay. And I'm still a Christian.

Don't you think that repealing it takes away the stinging kind of ironic fun you have?

It only makes me more self-assured that I am indeed unique, and all of you are different.
It's understandable that you all can't understand.
But I don't care.

Just be the same. =)

Random stuffs of boredom

2008-09-09T15:21:00.002+08:00

okie. the song on my blog currently may sound quite old, but it was one of my most favorite songs when I was alot younger...

ok. like 5 years younger.

The lyrics is just really meaningful... But you have to watch the show first before you'd understand..
It's about a guy who is colored blind, and the only way he could add color to his world was through dancing, till a girl came along in his life...

but both of them were just not meant to be together...

=/

ok.. emo-ing...

bah. I was in the gym this morning doing cross-training, when I accidentally stepped on a body-fat analyzer.
OMG. STAGMONT CAMP HAS A BODY FAT ANALYZER!
*cough*

ok.. I didn't accidentally step on the body-fat analyzer, I deliberately did it...

and it measured... 16.8%.

wtf. There is NO decrease in body fat since 731,176,527,901 years ago!!
I've been in this percentage since god-knows-when!!

and I've only gotten heavier!!
i'm currently a solid 63 kg.

can't seem to get rid of those stubborn layers of fat... ARRGH.

The Diet Myth

2008-09-05T09:52:00.004+08:00

In the classic starvation study (the Minnesota Semi-Starvation study) men were dieted for 6 solid months reaching 4-5% body fat at the end of the study. Then they were refed and body composition was tracked. By the theory being advocated, they should have gained lots of LBM and little fat during refeeding, they were clearly super lean to start out with. But this is absolutely not what happened.

As would be expected based on the metabolic adaptations to dieting, their bodies were mainly primed to replenish fat stores. Reductions in metabolic rate, fat oxidation and thermogenesis all contributed to a preferential gain of body fat and these systems didn’t reset themselves until all of the body fat lost had been regained (8). Quite in fact, signals from body fat (i.e. leptin and the rest) are the mechanism behind this physiology (9).

8) Dulloo AG et. al. Autoregulation of body composition during weight recovery in human: the Minnesota Experiment revisited. nt J Obes Relat Metab Disord. 1996 May;20(5):393-405.

9) Dulloo AG, Jacquet J. Adaptive reduction in basal metabolic rate in response to food deprivation in humans: a role for feedback signals from fat stores. Am J Clin Nutr. 1998 Sep;68(3):599-606.

note: Andrew DOES NOT advocate dieting, but rather, healthy eating. If you eat air for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you're doing to expect airy results.

Quote of the Day - Life is too short to tolerate bad food.

Paradigm Shift

2008-09-03T10:30:00.003+08:00

Last Sunday, I was brooding to my friend that I have a long, long break before my NTU course will start...
Since the courses start in August, and I ORD in September,I have a almost 11 months of nothingness before my degree program starts...

So I was like considering some major options that I can foresee myself doing during the almost-year-long-break :

1) Rejoin STOMP to be a Temp Video Producer -
That is a pretty good option, if not for the fact that I still feel so guilty for leaving the company when they needed me really badly. Even though it was for an important reason, I wonder if I'd still have the guts to ask if they have a vacancy for me..

2) Work at a Dermatologist as an apprentice or helper -
Wow. Now that is a positive step towards my final goal ain't it? Problem is, it's not going to help my financial woes during the long, dry period. It's really interesting, but I highly doubt my parents will fund my piggy bank.

3) Teach Piano to kids
I think this is the most flexible, potentially profitable and least time consuming job among the three... only one small problem.. WHO WANTS TO LEARN PIANO? I'd really suck at teaching classical piano because I hate it so much myself... but it's still important as it provides the fundamental grounding...
I can teach them stuff like "November's Chopin" or "The Secret" or even "Canon in D", but they'd be struggling in deep water because they havn't learn how to even save themselves...

... so while I was demanting myself with these considerations, somebody quipped, "Why don't you become a personal fitness trainer?"

I think it just killed 2 birds with one stone...
no. more then that. it killed like the entire flock.

It would solve my goal of being in the paragon of fitness, allow me to learn resistance, isolation, anaerobic and aerobic programs professionally, and more importantly, achieve my consistent ultimate goal of wanting to make people look good.

and again, no. I don't believe that making people look good is to make yourself look bad.
(in response to Seamus' demoralizing comment. lolz)

Hmm...
To top it off, I'm a quite a health nut as well.

Haha... I think if I ever achieved it, lots of my old acquaintances will probably keel in a dead faint.

Well, there are a few routes that I can choose, all require funding, but I think I can pay for at least 75%... hopefully my parents can quip the rest..

Preperation
* Mandatary : Cardio Pulmanary Certification SSC
* Mandatary : SSC Fitness Instructor Course

From there -

The Professional Route
i. NIE's Physical and Sport's Science course
iia. Diploma in Sport's Nutrition
iib. Diploma in Physiology
from there
iii. American Fitness Trainer Certification
iv. SSC Creditation
v. SBBF : Singapore BodyBuilding Federation Accreditation
vi. Holistic I : Sports Massage and Post-Trauma recovery (Diploma)
vii. Holistic II : Tui-Na and Chinese Physiotherapy (Diploma)
viii. Holistic III : Holistic Treatments for Sports Injuries

Final Stage : Degree in Sports Medicine

or

The Easy Route
i. SSC creditation
ii. Diploma in Sports Nutrition
iiia Portfolio 1 : Weight Management and Diet
iiib Portfolio 2 : Competitive Bodybuilding
iv. Application for SBBF Accreditation (if possible)
v. AMFTB part-time certification

Final Stage : I have no idea.

Sounds difficult huh... but the thing is these course and programs can overlap each other simultaneously..
so if I'm hardworking enough, I should be able to get a decent set before I reach 30 years old.

interesting huh?

haha...

I wonder if I would even be able to achieve it...
It sounds pretty interesting to me... but I've gotta study deeper into it...

=)

I feel my goals shifting.

*evil laugh*

Under Scrutiny

2008-08-29T08:18:00.002+08:00

It's been another long period since I last blogged... it's just so difficult to keep track of time especially when there is just so much stuff to be done...

... It's harder, particularly when you know that all your colleagues know your blog and are scrutinizing your every action, hell-bent on finding something to laugh at.

So they know my orientation, they know my past, they know my thoughts now, what would a real friend do if they knew?

For some, it can be just plain gossip-mongering
For others, it can be something to ponder about
For the rest, it can be just plain nonsense.

But I wonder. If someone laid open his history in front of you. Will you still be able to look him in the eye and say that nothing will change?

- I guess not.

At least I have my own section to take care of.. far from the main institute and from the AVA room..
If I have to be a loner again, I'll be. And I can be quite good at it...

=)

There are many lessons I'm learning while serving my vocational period in NS

1) When somebody calls you a "garang soldier", that is an insult

2) When you do a good job for somebody, you'll not be credited for it, you will not be appreciated for it, and to rub salt in, be prepared for twice the workload soon, with double the effort expected.

3) When you do something good, announce it to the entire world. With emails, memoirs, notes, messages, calls, loudspeakers, PA system, radio - whatever means possible. When you do something bad, the gods hear instantly. But when you do something good it's pin-drop silence up there.

You see? Army teaches me alot of life lessons.

Well, Andy may have advertised my entire blog to my department, which may be a good thing to get more hits on my blog anyway.

sigh... I havn't been running much recently. I hardly can get any proper sleep at night, to the point that I'd snooze in camp.
- I don't normally snooze in camp.

Nicholas *(my younger bro) has found himself a girlfriend. TA-DAH. Geez. He spend hours talking to her on the phone till wee early hours in the morning, coz he can afford to.
Nobody bothers to turn off the air-con anymore for some reason, making it extremely cold at night.
[it's a complete hassle for me to turn off the air con, cause I'd have to climb down my ladder, turn off the air con, climb up back to my bed, and then i'll be all irritated and bothered]

Well.. one thing I can say for sure, I've learned that it is never a good thing to talk so much on the phone at the beginning of a relationship, coz it can be a good reason to use for break up later on.

~ ok. for some people it may be a good thing.

but. the common reason "we... we... we just don't talk anymore" *gestures* "there is no more... communication between us anymore don't you see?"
is used so frequently it's becoming cliche.

Alvin and I are also on rocky roads... We're arguing so much nowadays over the smallest matters just because our opinions differs so vastly..
Some things that are just so obvious to me strikes him as illogical, while things that matter to him are closed to me....

... he blames me for being insensitive...

Am I?... I always thought of myself as being oversensitive to the point of bewilderment to some people.

How do I become sensitive when I know what he needs, yet, I'm unable to do anything about it?

I can't stretch time and hold the clock... my schedules are so full it's killing me...

.... He blames it on church... That I spend almost 75% of my weekends in church...
.... He blames it on camp... That I help people out too much at my own expense...

... I can't help it if my time is just stretched so thinly...

it's stretched so thin that it hurts...

I cannot reject church or camp duties... Yet... sigh..

I think I gave him the wrong impression that I'm a very free person coz the 3 months prior to my enlistment was completely free... free to spend 90% of my time with him...

... to wait for him to finish school
... to go out with him almost every other day...
... to talk and play games with him till late...

I just feel like pushing everything away if I ever could...

maybe I should just go like AWOL and quit the band totally..

leave everything and everybody.... and just be alone for awhile...

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums.. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative..May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser.

unrealistic and stable are at opposing ends
secretive and expressive are at opposing ends
boring and imaginative are at opposing ends
stable and vague are at opposing ends

the only thing we have between us that fits is love. isn't it?

prove to me. that love is all it takes...

the world has taken from me that reasoning, and experience tells me otherwise...

.... sigh..

Infections and Improvements

2008-08-13T08:59:00.004+08:00

You know those times when you wake up on a lazy morning, and wish that everything was right in the world, sighing sleepily and staring out dreamily at the ceiling....

then *SMACK*

reality hits you back at the face and you realize you have a freaking long and tedious day ahead of you..

well, yesterday was one of those days...
and, it was one of my rare OFF days that I was forced to take... heh heh...

sigh..

My computer got infected with a superwurm, akin to the VBS.SOLOW wurm, which infects hard drives, except this worm is galaxies apart more powerful... it systematically infects a majority of your startup .dll files, then proceeds to copy itself into all your other hard drives.
Relaying itself as a harmless autorun virus, the moment your antivirus software targets it, it retreats into "Windows system restore", and lodges itself into a permanent, immovable "restore point".

Whoever said restore points were harmless?

Anyway, once it occupies the immortal throne, it proceeds to become malignant. It infects any hard disk that comes in contact with it and makes replicas of itself in the thousands of .dll files on the system32 folder.

Even hard disks with no system options are infected...

Thats why when I reformatted my computer, it was to no effect at all.. I was just toying with a time bomb that was waiting to explode on the slightest touch...

... now all my documents are gone...

... i really don't wanna dwell on it.

I still think that this whole virus thing is a pet project of antivirus companies all over the world to force us to purchase their product and cause us to live under the fist of fear...

... on a lighter note,

I've finally broke through my bench presses, I can now do a minimum of 43 pounds a side, to a maximum of 60+ pounds a side...

Was doing my reps yesterday and realized that curious discovery... usually I'd just like go around my usual static routine... But i accidentally (in my semi-depressed state), switched the two 10 kg plates with two 15 kg plates.

... I barely even noticed *(yes. I was that.... deep in thought).

I'm also starting to switch from my bicep isolation routine to tricep extension routine to compensate for lack of strength from my upper arm flexors, coz I'm having trouble increasing stacks for my seated rows.
(The triceps are the stabilizers for seated rows).

and... I can't add anymore weight to the leg lift machines. I'm like lifting at 200 pounds and the machine won't let me add anymore...
so I'm increasing reps instead of adding weights.
The funny thing is that my quads never seem to add on more mass. I think its because I run too much or I'm doing in wrongly...

But then again, how wrong can you get doing leg lifting?

so there ends my anaerobic routine.

on my aerobic routine... well, I'm running at a consistent 9:58-10:15 for 2.4 km, and having no trouble with 7-10 km running.
I still can't get over the dizziness after running more then 12 km, so I think I'll stick with 10 km only..
On another note, I've been reading an increasing number of articles condemning long-distant running... and they're quite credible.... so I think I'd stick with short distant sprinting instead.

there're like two 2Lts who run with my every Mon, Wed and Fri, and they're freaking zhai lah... I thought I was not bad when I ran 9:58, but those 2 were like sprinting in front of me all the way lah..
And the worse part? They were waiting for me, even had the energy and breath to talk to me and goade me to reach the finishing.

heh. Nice guys.

oh well... my computer repairs is going to bankrupt me for the rest of the month... with a mere service fee of $120, excluding having to buy new hard drives...

arrgh.

and oh. I got that virus thanks to my mum.

yes. my MUM. When I was helping her wash the dishes.

no. I'm kidding. I got it when I was helping her type out her haphazard hospital schedule, which originated from her hospital computer.

how ironic. the hospital cures viruses, but can't cure their own computer viruses.

heh.

Packed Schedules

2008-08-11T11:45:00.003+08:00

schedules, schedules, schedules...
deadlines, deadlines, deadlines...

my whole life has been full of schedules, timelines, deadlines and whatever lines...

sigh... in a way, I do like schedules.... a full schedule tells me that I'm maximizing my time to the fullest extent possible..

but what happens when your schedule gets too cramped?

Today - (after work) rush to clementi to collect books, buy present for Haryanto, buy sweets for children

Tuesday - send computer for diagnosis and repair, go gym/swim, meet dear, buy present for mum, meet mum for birthday dinner

Wednesday - (after work) flag duty, meet Simon to wrap presents for kids (I think)

Thursday - (after work) AVA duty till 2230

Friday - medical appointment at SGH at 1100, back to camp, relay duties, grab haryanto for birthday celebration

Saturday - youth band practice, main band practice, Clara's recording

Sunday - Church, Gym/Meet dear

I could feel worse.... this week is like a super hectic week... And worst of all, my handphone is unable to send messages and my computer is down...

crap..

total crap...

next week my friend wants me to go lean Muay Thai with him, and i have my advance driving theory examination...

stress?

totally.

heh... just hope i don't fall sick or something....

Terrible Craving

2008-08-07T10:58:00.003+08:00

Have you ever had a craving for something REALLY REALLY sinful?

LIKE THIS???

it's like OMGWTFKNNBCCBNNBNH beautifully sinful huh?

Juicy beef patties
Deep fried onion mountain
Mozzarella cheese heap
Long strips of tender bacon
Deep fried egg (Her Bao Dan style)
Butterhead Lettuce
Tomato

all sandwiched between 2 toasted burger buns!!
i think the calories is astronomical, but omg, the taste is super heavenly...

ARRGH.

UBER CRAVING!!

ARRGH!!
*wacks stomach*
*wacks stomach*
*think of the fats and oils*
*think of the juicy.. eh.. no. unhealthy beef*

ARRGH!!

NOOOOOOOO....

to make things worse, its about the same price as Carl's Junior!!

*cries*

why...why are humans able to create such awfully sinful object of absolute damnation??

anyway, happy 17th month anniversary dear.... *hugs tight*
Thanks for bringing me to such a nice place for dinner..
*grins*

P.S. If you're wondering where is that burger from, I'm not going to tell you, because as it is, the queue is already long enough. I don't wanna make things worse... for myself that is.

heh heh heh...

Scathing Memories - Memoirs from BMT

2008-07-26T21:03:00.002+08:00

I still remember clearly the beginning of the end of my resolve to be an officer for the SAF...

It was a long day. Waking up at 4:45 am in the morning had become such a daily routine for me that I woke up even before my alarm rang. Which of course inevitably wakes up the whole contingent of birds camping outside our window sill.

I still wanted to be an officer. Was it mere foolish resolve or something deeper that prompted me to believe that everything was walking my way?

My first field camp. So far, I thought that the worst would only be the terrible 8 km (it was alot for me then) full-pack fast march to the campsite.
It only took moment for us to change into our No. 4. We knew it inside out (literally), and a harassed soldier can do things at amazing speeds.

"5 minutes to change and get your fucking butts down!!"

my platoon officer hardly uses vulgarities, thus the F* word jolted us to fly down the stairs.

I also learned that jumping down the stairs 5 steps at a time with a full field pack on is extremely dangerous for your legs.

Once assembled, a withering glance by the platoon sergeant at a soldier who didn't polish his shoe sent half the platoon flying up the stairs again just to polish our shoes.

We are soldiers. We were expected to follow every single rule religiously and portray an image of martial discipline.
- We were expected to be bloodthirsty as well.

Thus that field camp began.

I dreamed of having that bar. When my parents would... just smile at me with approval. I wanted to prove to myself. To everybody that it wasn't what made you, but who you made yourself.
I dreamed and I dreamt.

The weather was horrible. I couldn't imagine a worst weather for a route march. The monsoon season was at it's height and the worst part wasn't the rain, but the sheer humidity. Within a few minutes, everybody was soaking wet with sweat.
To top it up, the moment we left the cement track (which was only a short distance), the muddy track loomed ahead of us - full of portholes.

I learned that portholes are nasty. But they're nastier when they're covered with a layer of water.
You go like "We-are-oh-ah-infan-*GLOOP*" , "FUCK!!!".

...and your No.4 has been gloopified even before setting up camp. In fact, your beautiful No.4 has became somewhat similar to the desert outfit that the US Army wears.

Trudging through the sand became a daily affair after that. We never laughed at anybody else except ourselves when we stepped into portholes...

When we reached the campsite, I seriously thought we took a wrong turn somewhere. It didn't look like we could set up camp anywhere. Sure, there were some patches of soil with sparse vegetation; but other then that, it was Tarzan!
Long grass, amputated tree trunks, roots, and the worst part was the soil! It was so drenched with water that driving a tent peg through it was like building a skyscraper in the sea.

Finally after digging and scraping till we found dry soil, my buddy and I managed to peg and set up our tent - only to find out we were like 10 cm away from the formation line.
We had to destroy our tents and remake it again in 10 minutes.

and of course, with an additional 50-pumpings-face-down-in-the-mud kind.

Life as an officer? I was thinking that life in hell could fare much better...

Make it or break it.
That was what I was told. The field camp was supposed to separate the chaff from the wheat; the dirt from the gold...

Life was hell. We had to wrap our stuff before leaving our tent (because "wild boars" would come and steal our foodstuff). And it was a nightmare to crawl in the mud to tie up our tents cos it would just mean that the 20 seconds that our sergeant gave us to "GET YOUR FUCKING E-T BLADE AND STICK AND PARADE THEM IN FRONT OF ME NOW!" was virtually impossible.

... not tying up our stuff in ground sheets incurred worse results. Shoes and sandals got mysteriously stolen, and occasionally, somebody would get a severe punishment for losing an LBV (light battle vest) item.

Army was meant to harden me. I believed that it was good for me. That I needed the regimentation.. the discipline... I wondered how long it would take, before I broke...

Night fell.
As all light went out, I felt despair like no other... I've never ever experienced such persistent inky darkness like no other!
It was so dark it felt like a solid wall was in front of you. You couldn't see ANYTHING at all! Your savior was the useless torchlight that SAF gave you...

The battery lifespan of the torch was about 3 hours, and then its just you and Mr. Inky. I was frightened... We were not allowed to use the torch most of the time, and when we could, it was through a tiny microscopic slit that allowed a sliver of light to seep through.

.. but the effect was tremendous. That tiny "sliver" of light was visible from over two thousand meters away!

I felt sick to my stomach. I never knew if the next step I took would be into a porthole or a massive ant nest.
*one of my platoon mates stepped into a gigantic red-ants nest, and the effect was nightmarish....

... then the moment came. In a mere 30 minutes, my entire resolve broke...

For honor and glory. It seemed so easy. Just strive to be the best? That's what I've always done.

My rifle sling's buckle broke.
It was already so rusty, and it would have to give way sooner or later.
But I wish, I wish that it did not give way then...

My whole rifle slipped and into the darkness.

I groped around blindly, trying to find my rifle, my buckle and the rogue sling.
When I finally found all three objects, I laid my rifle against the tree while I tried my best to tape up my horribly broken buckle.
After a massive waste of tape, I managed to repair the sling to a reasonable extent....

I reached for my rifle.

I only felt bark.
My throat felt like bark.
I can't believe that it happened to me...

I groped around the grass like a madman. I couldn't believe that my rifle got "stunned" just for repairing my broken buckle!....
The punishment for losing your rifle... I don't think I need to reiterate how severe that offense is...

I didnt dare to leave my place, so I kept shouting for help... and my platoon officer came to my "rescue"...

He was carrying two rifles with him...

My heart immediately jumped, but went the repercussion set in, my heart sank even further then before...

"Recruit. What is your rifle number?"
"... B217"
"I don't have it. What is it again?"
"(shouted) B217!!"
"Is it? I don't see anything like that written on this lost gun"

... my eyes were already starting to tear..

"Sir, I'm sorry sir! I promise that it won't ever happen again!"

... the ludicrity of the entire situation kept striking me again and again. Should I even be apologizing to the person who blatantly STOLE my gun, just because I left in resting against a tree to repair my buckle?

"YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE! YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I SEE A-N-D-R-E-W-'-S W-I-F-E!!! YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE AND I HAVE IT!!
Recruit. Do you know what is the punishment for losing your wife?"

above everything, I saw that I would've most likely lost my chance of ever going to officer cadet school.
His eyes just radiated one message... "disappointment"

... my eyes just reflected his; tears couldn't be kept long..

"I'm sorry sir, I will accept any punishment you give me."

"Your parents entrusted you to SAF, for you to become a man, not a wussy, so stop being a baby and give me 50 push ups."

"Yes sir!"

(proceed to do push ups)

"Your parents will be so disappointed in you"

"Yes sir!"

"You have siblings?"

"Yes sir!"

"They will be so disappointed in you."

"Yes sir!"

"What do you want to achieve in the army?"

"I want to be an officer sir!"

"You can't pass your IPPT, you lose you gun, you shout in the middle of a tactical night operation, you think you know what responsibilities an officer hold?"

"My brother is an officer, so I think I know a bit sir!"

"Your brother is an officer? Then you should know also that OCS is a hundred times worse then this.
... You'll never be an officer."

... I think that was when I broke.
I screamed so loud that I thought the rest of the company would come running.

they didnt.

I hated him.
I hated him for shattering my dreams.
I hated him for looking down on me.
I hated him for thinking himself a god...

"If you want to be an officer, you'll have to do alot more. As far as I can see, you're not going to be one.
... come and get your rifle from me when this operation is over. You'll serve SOL for 7 days. Then you'll write a report.
You're the first person in this field camp to lose your gun. You better pray you're not the only one."

He turned off the field light and walked away.
The darkness drowned me...
I broke down...

I guess my resolve is weak.

but trust me. To break my own resolve only could come from a greater resolve.

I vowed that I will prove that I don't need to be an officer to be better.

I'll lead my life in army, so relaxed that officer cadet school will become completely irrelevent.

... field camp ended.
... my dreams ended.

what's the big deal about being an officer?

... i really don't know.

I don't think I want to associate myself with such a screwed up association. I hate the SAF. The memories it gave me will scar my life forever, but one thing I'd always remember...

"As far as I can see, you're not going to be one."

As far as I can see, I can not be one, but I can be far better then you.

...

It may be a taunt, for me to follow up. But I guess it backfired.

Put the blame on using it on a weak willed person like me.

... I hate the SAF.

Gone Case

2008-07-25T09:46:00.002+08:00

Life is beautiful... supposedly.. supposedly how you make of whatever you have...

I almost broke up with him last night... my heart was on the verge of breaking into a million pieces... again...

I can only blame myself I guess, because almost everything is because of me...

but what can I do?...

... sigh...

I just feel like giving up everything sometimes... my whole heart is so numb I don't think I'd flinch if somebody stabbed it with a blunt knife...

Everybody just expects so much of me... my parents, my colleagues, my boss, my friends... I always thought that the term "put in your best for everything" was meant to make your life easier...
but it has never been the case..

Put your best in everything and you only get more shit thrown back at you...

People expect you to do more, for less..
People expect you to be available for everything
People expect you to take up even more grueling assignments
People expect you to take responsibility...

seriously, what do you get back in return? nothing much. Nothing even worth mentioning...

Its late, but I'm starting to learn that if you say "yes" to everything, you'd end up living a life worse then hell... coz everybody will just throw to you what they don't want to do.

it has never been worth it, and will never be worth it...
but it's just so hard to say no...

and each time you say no, your relationship with that person becomes greatly strained.. because all along, you've be playing his game, and when suddenly you throw him a no, he becomes disoriented and angry...

I really don't know..

I'm sick of responsibility.
I'm sick of people assuming that I'm free.
I'm sick of not having ANY time for myself.
I'm sick I'm sick I'm sick..

I'm sick of everything.........

*cries*

No Regrets

2008-07-14T20:22:00.003+08:00

sigh... i guess there comes a time when you lose interest in recording your particularly boring life...

especially in NS, when you can't write about anything.. not that there is anything interesting to write about in the first place..

so many people keep asking me, "Do you ever regret not taking the path of being an officer?"

.. after all, I had a solid chance of being one...

My answer is yes, and no.

There are certain things in life that one can never be fully certain about, such as how life could go awry, and twist to something you couldn't even tolerate in your most terrible nightmare...

National Service taught me many lessons, but I plan to throw most of them away, and keep only a few...

i. You can never be too sure about how good something is, until you've experienced it yourself

No one can say that "Oh. I understand exactly what you're going through, so I will be prepared for it when the time comes". That is impossible. Do you think it is the same if you console your friend who lost his parents, from the experience that you had when your grandparents died? - It's two totally different experiences.
I believed that I was prepared for NS, after all, I had been in a regimented uniform group for 6 years of my life. I was in excellent physical condition, and I knew every single drill by heart. But when I stepped in, life took a downward spiral. Do I know? Yes. I anticipated the worst, but there are some indescribable scenarios on earth that go beyond "worst".

ii. Leadership isn't about commanding. It isn't about respect. It isn't about pummelling others to do your commands.

Leadership is about empathy. The ability to feel as what your subordinates feel. To put yourself in their shoes, and balance the equation with what is needed to be done. The greatest tragedy about SAF leadership is the inability to do so. They believe that one shoe size fits all. Which is a big mistake.
Leadership is the ability to make people laugh, make people reflect, make people change.
Leadership is the ability to make a tedious job seem like a stroll in the park.
Leadership is the ability to shape the future, without destroying the present.
.. so many people cannot understand this....

iii. Acting is everything... almost.

One of the amazing things about the army is the ability to hide the most unpleasant situations with army-deo. I learn that it doesn't matter what you do. As long as you show that you're pristine and perfect on the surface. It doesn't matter if you're a rotten egg underneath.
Piss off to those who believe that what is underneath the surface will affect the top. That is a horrid lie. There are those who are able to mask the most unpleasant personalities with disgusting ease.
for as long as they want.

do I wish to be an officer?
Yes. Knowing that I can make a difference, it gnaws at me when I see the inefficiency playing itself out.
However, dare I say that I would not become one of those puppets if I became one?

no.

I have said it many times, and I stand by my word. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON WHO CAN ENTER THE SAF AND REMAIN THE SAME.

for better, or for worse.

Do I like my life now?
HELL YEAH.

Book out daily
No guard duties
No staying in
No officers around me
No warrant officers around me
Nice little place to take care of
Friends from all walks of life
Free food
Free transport
...
I mean... it's really a dream job.

It just bugs me, when I see my friends who complain that they never had the chance to go to OCS...
do they understand what they're saying?

and it bugs me, when I could have gone there myself...

Gareth Gates - Say It Isn't So

2008-06-24T19:02:00.002+08:00

Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow

How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore

Chorus:
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

Ten to five atleast we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you

How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on

Bridge:
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
(chorus)

some memories last forever, like a never-ending sunset...
it brightens the horizon just enough to see, how beautiful the day was...
just... so beautiful...

Friends

2008-06-22T23:03:00.002+08:00

I realize... that throughout my life, I've known so many people... made so many friends... but my life has a nasty way of isolating my past and putting it away, such that I never really have something called... friends..

friends... spanning a hundred definitions and a thousand songs... they support you, they dry you tears, they are your laughter and anguish...

I'm... I guess I've always been a loner... Not having much "friends" if you would call it....

All I ever had were people who stuck with me for a particular period of time, probably because I amused them or because I was of some use to them...

But, during that time, I truly, and genuinely regarded them as friends...

but always, in every dark, depressing situation, a friend would appear... friends that you thought lost by your own hands, appear to comfort you... to give you hope when everything else seem worthless...
they would wait till you've cried all your tears dry, and joke with you till you smile... then you would just walk away...

but always... like a shadow, not too near, but not far behind... always watching.. always waiting for the moment to relieve happy times...

Fair-weathered friends mean nothing to me, nothing but acquaintances... but a true friend is worth more then everything i have to give..

... not that I have much....

I don't even have that many that I can't count with my fingers...

.. or even one hand....

I'm a loner.... by nature... despite my penchant for verbal diarrhea... Not many people are able to converse with me the stuff I'm actually interested in...

how many people my age would happily discuss things like apocalyptic prophecies, holistic treatments and the human immune system?

they'd most likely fall asleep... my mum and dad fall asleep just hearing me talk about it...
(which is most depressing by the way)

my boyfriend gives a listening ear, but I don't even know if he understands half of what I'm talking about....

friends..

who'd be my friend?

Christian Bautista - Invincible

2008-06-20T20:05:00.003+08:00

I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave you my hand to hold
You took me beyond where
I could see
And then you let go of me. .

Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible

I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
you'd let me down
If I had known that then
my eyes were wide open
I still believe I would've risked it
There's no way i would've missed it

Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible

Hey yeah yeah. . . its a
blessing and a curse
Hey yeah yeah. . . But
you find out just
what you're worth.

I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible

I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible...

This song is dedicated to a person I know, who have stood like a shadow behind me all these years...
=)

In Thai, "Korpkunkup" can be used for everything. no. seriously.

2008-06-16T23:06:00.002+08:00

And so Andrew returns to Singapore...

... with less then half the things that he wanted to buy...

but of course, that's good. Save the environment, save the trees, save the little children starving and dying of some random delibating disease....

=/

ok. I'm bitter.

Anywayz, we arrived in Singapore at NINE'0'CLOCK, 4 hours past schedule thanks to air traffic and overusage of "Korpkunkup"...
... and I lost my package of the most favorite Thai snack. (which happens to look exactly like love lettuce, with black seeds.)

so lets see..

i bought..

- 1 pair of berms for me
- 1 pair of berms for nick
- 3 pairs of tops for me
- 1 pair of top for nick
- 2 pairs of tops for alvin
- 1 pair of shoes
(note the over-usage of the word "pairs")
- 1 pair of boxers
- 1 travel bag

omg... I bought so little?

... I'm thoroughly devastated... I think I shall go sit at a corner and cry.

T_T

lol.

This was definitely not one of my "more enjoyable" Thailand trips, due to various mishaps... but ah well.... it is DEFINITELY by far one of the cheapest!..
xD

too bad no photos.

-grins-

SAWADEKUUUPP FROM BANGKOK!!!

2008-06-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

Sawadeekup from Thailand!

Korpkumkup...

Kup...

A Cup

B Cup

C Cup,

Bra Cup,

Cup corn

Cup noodles...

WEE~~ I'm blogging from the land of a thousand smiles! (no.. not the land of 2 million smiles. the land of a thousand smiles.... which would make the proportion of smiles here about..... [1000/23,000,000 = 0.0004% of the population a happy one]

oh dear..

wee... life rocks! I'm in a hotel with a bathtub!
and food here is sooooo cheap..
but i think the Thai Baht has increased in value again... so stuff are getting slightly more expensive....

Well, I didnt really bring much money (partially because I'm like super poor currently), but i think it should be enough to last me for quite some time...

The only thing i regret is that i can't try the weird and exotic food that Thailand has to offer all because Jeff (on my right and scowling currently), is too SCARED to try nice stuff...

I wonder.... I wanna buy a few stuff, but I can't really compile everything yet...

1) 2 pairs of bermudas
2) 2 pairs of jeans
3) 2 super nice T-shirts
4) 2 super nice Tank Tops
5) 2 super nice Shirts
6) Zirh stuff
7) 1 pair of good quality Adidas/Nike sports shoes
8) 1 pair of good quality aesthetic shoes (Onizuka Tiger/Adidas/etc etc.)
9) 1 pair of Oakley spectacle frames
10) [if possible] 1 set of contact lenses.

A) 1 pair of bermudas for Nicholas
B) 1 pair of adidas running shorts for Leighton
C) 1 pair of shoes for Alvin
D) 1 shirt (probably Camel Active or Timberland) for Alvin
E) 1 comfortable t-shirt for Alvin
F) one set of condo...... ms... for Alvin.... hahaha...
G) and many other stuffs for my friends

xD

I'll be back on Sunday...

Oh... BTw, I just experienced the most terrifying air turbulance on flight this morning...

Even my friend who travels twice on flight every year thinks that its the worst...

I seriously thought we were going to crash...

BUT HERE I AM!!

All intact and surviving a budget airline tumble...

xD

bye bye!

OH YAH, FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO BUY STUFF, MSG ME YOUR LIST.
I MAY NOT REPLY, BUT MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE CONFIDENT THAT THOSE STUFF ARE CHEAPER IN THAILAND THEN IN SINGAPORE.!!

I'LL TRY AND GET THEM FROM CHATUCHAK OR MBK.

IF I CAN'T GET IT, DON'T BLAME ME WOR!

ESPECIALLY THE GUY WITH THE WAIST SIZE OF 48

love ya dear... hugs

2008-05-26T22:48:00.003+08:00

How can i tell you what I'm feeling
so you'll always remember
what can i do to take this moment
and make it last forever
i know it's been said
many times many ways
but it's never come from a deeper place,

Chorus:
for every minute of this life that i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you completely

what did i do to get this angel
lying here beside me
where did you find all these emotions
i felt deep down inside me
i only know
that this world will change
but your hold on my heart will stay the same

Chorus:
for every minute of this life that i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you completely

Bridge:
i have no doubt at all
no fear of falling down
complete me
be with me
believe me
you will always know

(Chorus)

D/C, Final Chorus:
Until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part if you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you
i know i am gonna love you
completely

Complete (2005)
- Christian Bautista

cos where you are, is where i wanna be...
cos everything you do, reminds me how much i love you...
the way you pray that our love won't die,
every night before you close your eyes...

its true, i believe that there are some things that fate binds together,
when two hearts, joint, can never ever be broken apart again..

I Love You *hugs*

Interesting tidbits =D

2008-05-23T00:45:00.002+08:00

Taurus and Pisces

Initially, the Pisces native may seem very adaptable, casual and totally at ease in complying with every wish of the Taurus partner. This is likely the attitude that will hook Taurus and bring the pair together in the beginning. However, the Taurus native is in for a rude awakening when he or she discovers that Pisces wants one thing one minute and something completely different the next. While the Taurus partner will try to suggest approaching a given problem in a practical manner, Pisces will express some outlandish method...which often works out better than the suggestion of Taurus and better than even the Taurus partner would have believed possible. Native of Taurus like to have the people they know look up to them, but Pisces embraces no such ideas.

In short, those governed by Pisces are indifferent to anyone's opinion, other than their own...still, there will be occasions when the Taurus individual will find that Pisces is actually dependent on him or her. It is inherent in the Pisces character to stick his or her head in the sand when problems arise, refusing to discuss them sensibly and hoping they will simply go away...which they rarely do. When there are too many problems for Pisces to countenance, then the infamous trait for heading to the nearest bar and pleasant companions in order to drown his or her sorrows will undoubtedly materialize. This unfortunate tendency is more common among the males than the females, but is a result of the Pisces tendency to be torn in two directions at the same time. Basically, the Pisces native does not find it easy to make decisions. In order to achieve longevity in this union, the Taurus partner must accept these shortcomings. On a more positive note, the psychic ability of the Pisces partner will enable him or her to keep on top of the feelings of Taurus and thus, will act and react with Taurus to ensure happiness.

In a romantically physical sense, the Pisces individual will be very sensitive to all the nuances of the desires associated with Taurus and will try very hard to keep the Taurus partner happy. However, if any failure on the part of Pisces to do this brings about the criticism of Taurus, then Pisces will soon be looking for a new mate. This could be a good working match, provided the Taurus native is not looking for...or expecting...a partner who possesses a great deal of strength.
In general, this is a rather happy union.

Being two positions apart in the Zodiac Wheel, these Signs have karmic ties and a deep-rooted empathy for one another. Although Pisces is idealistic, dreamy and impressionistic while Taurus is more down-to-earth and practical, this pair are both nurturers who prize harmony and stability in a relationship. Here, each has much to offer the other. Taurus is capable of providing the grounded approach that the Pisces partner needs in order to put all of his or her dreams into action. In return, Pisces can offer the kindness, gentleness and sweet sympathy that Taurus so loves in a mate. There will be times when the Taurus native cannot understand the seemingly simplistic view of life taken by the Pisces partner...but truth be told, Pisces is not really so simple at all. Pisces is truly deep.
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus and Pisces by the planet Neptune...and to a limited degree, Jupiter. When Venus...symbolic of love...meets Neptune...symbolic of illusions...there is a magnificent spiritual connection. Both Venus and Neptune vibrate with feminine energy and together, represent an idealistic relationship that has been described as divine. The influence of Jupiter...symbolic of philosophy, expansion and excesses...adds a masculine energy to the combination.

A match between these two Signs can produce the type of union that both individuals dream of, but the foundation for this kind of heady and dreamy connection can be just that...dreams, illusions and fantasy. Taurus is governed by the element of Earth while Pisces is governed by the element of Water. In general, these two elements are quite compatible since both Earth and Water are tangible, physical entities. Thus, Taurus can help Pisces to stablilize the inherent sensitivity while Pisces can bring a touch of magic to the practical approach of Taurus. However, care needs to be taken to ensure against too much of a good thing...after all, an over abundance of Water can turn Earth into mud. In short, Taurus could tire of Pisces' emotional instability and in turn, Pisces may feel that Taurus is insensitive to his or her needs. Fortunately, it is often easy for this pair to find a way to overcome their differences. Taurus is Fixed in quality and Pisces is mutable. Where Taurus is steady, stubborn, practical and focused, Pisces adores the sensation of mobility...the feeling of being able to move from one thought to the next according to fancy. Thus, the Taurus rigidity can hamper the flexibility of Pisces and it will be necessary for Taurus to learn how to let Pisces flow if this union is to achieve longevity. In return, Pisces will be very supportive and exceedingly loving. Pisces can show Taurus that mutability is sometimes better than a fixed determination to do thing one way...and one way only. Here, the different emotional natures of the Taurus/Pisces combination tend to complement and harmonize with each other very well. The overall empathy and commitment of this pair is valued greatly by both individuals, resulting in a relationship where the ties will usually be strong.

In essence, this combination is a very good one. The sentimental Pisces partner will find much comfort in the sympathetic nature of the Taurus individual...and the romantic, imaginative, imprerssionable and flexible Pisces native is exactly what Taurus is seeking in a mate. This couple will share their appreciation for beauty, art, sensuality and many of the other fine things life has to offer. Still, each partner here will need to keep a careful watch on his or her emotions in order for this union to work.

*hugs tightly* I love you dear *muacks* =D

Memory Update

2008-05-14T15:30:00.002+08:00

Its been such a long time since I last blogged
(and I've been repeating this statement for so many freaking times already)..

I don't know, maybe I'm losing the interest to blog or something... but I still think I should blog every now and then about my current situation...

Well, as some of you all know, I'm currently undergoing Signals Training in Stagmont camp, on purpose.

Lol.. well, on purpose because remembered I said that I will get out of CTAB no matter what?

yup. No matter what.

I don't plan to return there anytime soon, or at all if possible.

Life is great here! Better then all the rest put together in my entire SAF life at least...
haha.. the people here are funny, my direct superior is a really nice person, and its SO much more easier to go back home from here; despite it being in Chua Chu Kang still..

Well, as long as I can settle down here, it means that I can start working out my super tough training plan for the future already....
My body is starting to freaking breakdown due to lack of physical activity in the army.

(yes. yes. surprised? During the 3 months of constant examination in the Ammo Command School, I did not even run once. During the CTAB OJT, I ran like 4-5 times.)

Its actually getting on my nerves, literally. I feel heavy, I feel fat, and I'm going to do something about it..

haiz, but I feel that he person who suffered the most so far in my army life is still my dear... He's like going crazy with worry over my problems and complains...
I'm like in a perpetually sullen mood many times when I meet him, coz I might be tired or just got screwed by my superior...

ok. So here is my training schedule, third draft for the second half of the year.

Monday : Running/Soccer (Morning)
Tuesday : Gym (Evening)
Wednesday : Swimming (Evening)
Thursday : Rest/Gym (Evening)
Friday : Marathon (Morning)
Saturday : Rest/Gym (Morning)
Sunday : Rest/Swimming (Afternoon)

with augmented training of

Monday : 100 push ups, 80 crunches
Tuesday : 120 crunches
Wednesday : 100 push ups, 80 crunches
Thursday : 200 crunches
Friday : 50 push ups, 40 crunches
Saturday : 120 crunches
Sunday : 120 crunches

Ta-Dah! A complete training schedule for yours truly.

oh well.. I dont even know if I can keep up with this particular training regime...
its not really tough, when you think about it, but when you consider the need for recovery time, it gets quite cruelly tough..

sometimes, I wish that Alvin would join me to do some training, but 90% of the time he's unable to do so... So, usually I train alone...
I just think that it would be better if he gets the habit of working out and stuff...

But I'll still love him all the same, even if he becomes a fat, fat bouncy little piglet.

=P

Hmm...

My application for NTU economics didnt pull through... I wonder why... my hypothesis is that its probably the dragon year influencing the general intake of students, and/or my current diploma's irrelevance to the subject...

Sigh...

Recently, I've been unable to sleep well too... For some reasons unknown to me, I'd wake up feeling lost, like I don't recognize the place I'm in.. then suddenly, recognition will slam back to me like I dropped down a cliff or something, and I'll get all frantic and start looking at what time it is, and realize its only 2 AM in the morning...
its quite a scary sensation..

bleah.. this ends my update.
for those who know what I actually do nowadays, don't get too jealous...
I'm only in the top 10% most slackest unit in SAF, but I'm still not at the top 1%.

... working my way there, working my way there... heh heh..

=)